Cruising

After a massive hiatus of 2 whole weeks, and not including our heartfelt dedication to Whitney Houston, we return with news of travels and information of how you, the world weary traveller, can survive a Cruise ship.

First and foremost, cruising the ocean is fun, so we will provide you with real information, including, but not limited to, the following link: P&O. This website will give you all the information you need on how to become a sea captain, scummy pirate or cabin steward. It will also provide information on how to book a holiday where you can go buy stuff duty free. Duty sucks.

Here are some tips for cruising the ocean for the novice boat enthusiast.

1. Finding your Cabin

Congratulations! You have made it on board. Now to find you're cabin....Good Luck. This web of corridors will be baffling on day 1, and just as baffling on day 10. So don't stress and just wander around aimlessly pretending you are just checking out the boat, and getting a feel for being at sea.

2. Start Drinking

You're on holiday, so why not start hitting the booze at midday. The problem is you're still roped up in port, and you can still see people getting on the boat. Don't worry, by 8pm everyone is either absolutely tanked or in bed with sea sickness, so rest assured you have made the right decision to start your wonderful holiday with an epic hangover.

3. Play Bingo
Bingo is awesome, that is proven by science. On the boat you can play bingo twice a day!!! The unfortunate thing is it costs money and you aren't going to win. The reason why you aren't going to win is because you are too thin. It is a known fact that unless you have kankles you aren't going to get any money return on your bingo output. This is the point where you head to the buffet.

4. Head to the Buffet
You heard right, buffet. This thing is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You will get fat by the end of your holiday. Bingo winning fat? Well, that's up to you. But that Bingo jackpot is at least $5000 by the end of the week. Food for thought.

5. Go see a Musical
Or don't, Actually, don't

6. Drinking an absolute shit tonne of Cocktails
Beer on the boat is expensive, cocktails are $1 more expensive. They are mixed to be nuclear, so the advice out of here is to start at the top of the list and work your way down until you have a severe case of heartburn and the bartenders are sick of your face.

7. Eat Pizza at 3:30am
Yes, you can do it, and yes, you should. By this time you have had at least 20 cocktails, you've burned a stack of money on your cruise card and you are just hungry after partying to the hits, so why not eat a tonne of pizza. This also has the added benefit of adding to your chances of winning bingo.

Now here are some things you may, but hopefully for your sake, you do not see on your wonderful cruise.

- In Lifou, a beautiful little island which is apart of Vanuatu, after a lovely time snorkeling and trying to catch turtles, you see something. Something that, at first, looked a lot worse than what it was but was still pretty bad anyway. Just imagine if you see someone punching an ugly fish, but it turns out they are punching a beautiful fish, same thing. A group of Asian individuals were sat near the waters edge, not so much frolicking, but definitely sitting. One of the ladies stands up, walks about 3 metres so she is wading about in ankle deep water, and then starts pissing in the water. At first everyone thought she was snapping one off (see fish analogy above) but she was just taking a leak. Everyone was horrified, at least get in waste deep water you crazy chinese lady!!!!

- On a trip to the lavatory on the ship,  entered the door to find a middle aged many with a big bushy beard standing there with his pants around his ankles. I think to myself, this is a little odd for someone over the age of 3, but none the less I have to go, so I wander over to the urinal. At this point I undo my fly and prepare myself for evacuation. The next part of this delightful story is scary. Like watching horror movies in the dark, in a haunted house kind of scary. Beared man turns to me, looks down, and says, "Do you have a girlfriend?" in a thick russian accent. I pull up my fly and immediately vacate the area. (Later on I found out that the beared russian man was actually on a trip with about 5 other menatlly disabled people)

And that's about it, obviously there is more to a cruise but this blog has gone on for long enough.

A Tribute to Whitney

                                                              
Mike Whitney, Aussie Cricket Legend and Former Host of Who Dares Wins is now The greatest Whitney in the world. Following in the footsteps of his famous African American Cousin, Mike has taken up soul singing in Gospels churches in America and has started tailing Costner.   

RIP Whitney................................Houston
All we have to say is, where was Kevin Costner?

The End of Season 2

It has been brought to our attention, via basic mathematics, that in theory, if we are sticking to a 12 episode season, that the last post entitled "Confusing News", was in fact the last of Season 2. Due to that last blog containing absolutely zero cliffhangers we have been given permission from the network, and the internet, to close down the second season with a thrill ride of ups and downs. Someone may die, but that is unlikely. So, without a shadow of a doubt and not a care in the world, we now begin to close the Second Season.

Laneway Festival

Recently, one of us had the chance to attend a little festival known as Laneway. I'd like to call it "Fringe Festival", as nearly every Gronk had a fringe. Unfortunately though, Fringe Festival has something to do with South Australia (yeah, we don't really care), and as such will remain Laneway Festival.

The day started off quite well with a hangover born from the fires of Mt Doom, and then a bus ride out to the festival. Nothing really eventful happened on the way except my companion yelled at a bus for not stopping and  my train ticket got stuck in the bus. Other than that, smooth sailing. (Note: I have about as much love of buses as our friends over at 60 degrees, as there is usually the one lunatic who thinks he can talk to everyone, whilst being drunk and homeless; no champ, i'll talk to you when you have a street address).

Ok, so we got to Laneway and then shit really hit the fan. I'll adopt the approach of using bullet point in no particular order of events mainly because it was a long day and I can't remember.

•  We went to see EMA. We sat on the ground, but then had to get back up because it was humid. Then EMA started singing about fingerbashing herself (then she fingerbashed herself for at least 4 minutes), her grandmas array of weapons and a whole heap of other dribble all whilst trying to choke herself with a mic cord. Mind you, the reason she had such a massive fringe is because she looked like a cross between a beaten favourite and the backend of a semi-trailer.
• An old man was sleeping next to me, he then got up and nearly fell on me. I think he had a stroke. Unconfirmed.
• The short hipster in front of me had a giant spliff and fortunately blew some in my face. Free second hand smoke. Winning.
• I didn't dress hipster enough, i didn't have enough beards or moustaches.
• We seen a girl pinging off her head at about 3pm. We didn't see her the rest of the day (Presumed Dead). Her friend, the big guy with a rats tail was eating the inside of his face at 3pm. We seen him later, we assumed he wouldn't be eating for the next week.
• A lady from Penriff served us our food. She had bogan pride glittering in her eyes and in the plaque on her yellow teeth.
• A large number of large women. Apparently hipsters draw the fatty crowd.

And that's about all I can remember. Surely other stuff did happen, but after these highlights, who needs other memories!!!!

And now to end the season with a review. And as a special treat for you all, we will be reviewing an ad from the Super Bowl!!

Review: The Dodge Ad that Clint Eastwood did.

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Detroit

What happens: Basically this is a 3 minute dribble session by the man who brought us classic lines such as "Go ahead, make some hay", and " That's not a knife, this is a fork". He is basically spruiking the Dodge/Chrysler line of vehicle manufacture and how the recession gripped Detroit and everyone cried and had to live in their Dodges and then they all had a party because they are American.

What we think: This. Was. Terrible!! This is the Superbowl ads. They are worth a gazillion dollars, and this wasn't even funny. Unfortunately we watched most of this ad waiting for some hilarity to ensue before we realised that Clint was just banging on about how everyone is so dirt poor, and how he wants them to buy a car!!! These poor people cant even eat!!! Let alone buy a car.  

Score: Minus one million bats out of a ..........Flock???School??? of Bats

Ok, that's all from Season 2, stay tuned for Season 3.