Cruising

After a massive hiatus of 2 whole weeks, and not including our heartfelt dedication to Whitney Houston, we return with news of travels and information of how you, the world weary traveller, can survive a Cruise ship.

First and foremost, cruising the ocean is fun, so we will provide you with real information, including, but not limited to, the following link: P&O. This website will give you all the information you need on how to become a sea captain, scummy pirate or cabin steward. It will also provide information on how to book a holiday where you can go buy stuff duty free. Duty sucks.

Here are some tips for cruising the ocean for the novice boat enthusiast.

1. Finding your Cabin

Congratulations! You have made it on board. Now to find you're cabin....Good Luck. This web of corridors will be baffling on day 1, and just as baffling on day 10. So don't stress and just wander around aimlessly pretending you are just checking out the boat, and getting a feel for being at sea.

2. Start Drinking

You're on holiday, so why not start hitting the booze at midday. The problem is you're still roped up in port, and you can still see people getting on the boat. Don't worry, by 8pm everyone is either absolutely tanked or in bed with sea sickness, so rest assured you have made the right decision to start your wonderful holiday with an epic hangover.

3. Play Bingo
Bingo is awesome, that is proven by science. On the boat you can play bingo twice a day!!! The unfortunate thing is it costs money and you aren't going to win. The reason why you aren't going to win is because you are too thin. It is a known fact that unless you have kankles you aren't going to get any money return on your bingo output. This is the point where you head to the buffet.

4. Head to the Buffet
You heard right, buffet. This thing is open for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You will get fat by the end of your holiday. Bingo winning fat? Well, that's up to you. But that Bingo jackpot is at least $5000 by the end of the week. Food for thought.

5. Go see a Musical
Or don't, Actually, don't

6. Drinking an absolute shit tonne of Cocktails
Beer on the boat is expensive, cocktails are $1 more expensive. They are mixed to be nuclear, so the advice out of here is to start at the top of the list and work your way down until you have a severe case of heartburn and the bartenders are sick of your face.

7. Eat Pizza at 3:30am
Yes, you can do it, and yes, you should. By this time you have had at least 20 cocktails, you've burned a stack of money on your cruise card and you are just hungry after partying to the hits, so why not eat a tonne of pizza. This also has the added benefit of adding to your chances of winning bingo.

Now here are some things you may, but hopefully for your sake, you do not see on your wonderful cruise.

- In Lifou, a beautiful little island which is apart of Vanuatu, after a lovely time snorkeling and trying to catch turtles, you see something. Something that, at first, looked a lot worse than what it was but was still pretty bad anyway. Just imagine if you see someone punching an ugly fish, but it turns out they are punching a beautiful fish, same thing. A group of Asian individuals were sat near the waters edge, not so much frolicking, but definitely sitting. One of the ladies stands up, walks about 3 metres so she is wading about in ankle deep water, and then starts pissing in the water. At first everyone thought she was snapping one off (see fish analogy above) but she was just taking a leak. Everyone was horrified, at least get in waste deep water you crazy chinese lady!!!!

- On a trip to the lavatory on the ship,  entered the door to find a middle aged many with a big bushy beard standing there with his pants around his ankles. I think to myself, this is a little odd for someone over the age of 3, but none the less I have to go, so I wander over to the urinal. At this point I undo my fly and prepare myself for evacuation. The next part of this delightful story is scary. Like watching horror movies in the dark, in a haunted house kind of scary. Beared man turns to me, looks down, and says, "Do you have a girlfriend?" in a thick russian accent. I pull up my fly and immediately vacate the area. (Later on I found out that the beared russian man was actually on a trip with about 5 other menatlly disabled people)

And that's about it, obviously there is more to a cruise but this blog has gone on for long enough.