I'm seeing a Buddhist about it

"If its got tits or tyres it's gonna cause you trouble"
"If I'm not wasted the day is"

Yep, that just happened. Instead of formally greeting you, and welcoming you back to more excellent life updates, we thought we'd just drop a filthy daisy cutter of a knowledge bomb on you all. The above quotes are from actual people, other than us, who have been to the Bat Cave. I know it's hard to believe that there are other people out there who can contribute such profound wisdom to the internet, and planet earth for that matter, but it is true. I know, we struggled to believe it at first as well, but then we realised, the more we actually plagurise off other people, the less effort we have to go to to write these blog updates. And after all, isn't that what everyone in the world wants? To do less, but achieve more. Bang, more wisdom.

Review Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
Starring: Tom Cruise, Simon Pegg, token Asian Kung-fu chick, Jeremy Renner, some bad guys, and a ghost
What Happens: This is the 4th time round for poor old Ethan Hunt a.k.a Tom Cruise. Every single time that this guy leaves the house, someone is trying to shoot him in the face. Is that anyway to live? This time though, shit has really hit the proverbial fan! He has been banished to Dubai with his band of merry men after some terrorist organisation blew up something and blamed it on Ethan. The same Ethan that has saved the world 1.6 billion times. If I was him i would be fed up. While in Dubai, they go on a Ghost hunt, because the Ghost stole some kind of medicine from the government, but the Ghost turns out to be Jeremy Renner dressed in a  bed sheet using a series of pullies and levers to give the illusion of a Ghost. Much like Scooby Doo. Stuff happens and then everyone runs down a building. Simon Pegg tackles the asian bird and then the movie ends with Ethan saying he's done for good now. (Yeah, right, Champ!)
What we think: Sex & The City 2 with less action. They filmed them back-to-back in UAE when SJP and the gang were doing whatever chicks do in the UAE.
Score: 4 Crazy Oprah moments out of Maverick

We actually have some sad, actually, DEVASTATING news now. (No don't rejoice, we are going to keep writing until the internet runs out of room) Movember is coming to an end. I know, I know. These awesome things that keep our upper lips warm during, well, kind of nice weather, will be shaved off in sinks around the world tomorrow, and the babes will be sad. So very, very sad. We were talking to some ladies last week, and they thought our cool 'taches were the bomb. A few even touched them, saying how nice they were and if they could take us home. Now those days are behind us, and we have to move into December knowing that no-one (with fashion sense) will be seen with a mustache until November next year. But never fear, November will come around next year, due to the linearity of time, where we go forward in time in a linear progression. Until worm holes are actually proven, like when Stephen Hawking gets off his arse and puts it into gear, this will remain true.

Ok gang, this was just a filler cos we didn't have that much important rubbish to write about in November. Maybe we are maturing? Maybe we are becoming lazy? Or maybe we just don't care. Who Knows? But what is important to know is that this will be the last sentence in this update.




 

Alicia Keys

Holla Party Criminals,

We know it has been a while since we last graced the internet pages of the universe, however we have come to the unfortunate conclusion that our blog isn't all that we hype it up to be, and as such have lost quite a plethora of motivation to keep providing you with boundless wit and grace, and as such, keep you interested past four lines. But if, in fact, you really do love us as much as we love ourselves, then keep reading for more inspired words of wisdom.

Lamest Haka Ever

Ok, its fair to say if a pack of New Zealanders are in a dark alley doing the Haka and promising to bring a swift demise to you and your loved ones, you would be knee deep in a pile of your own poo. And it's also fair to say, if you seen the above bunch of New Zealanders from the 70's (an alleged time of splendour and happiness), you would not be standing in your own poo, and would be rather utterly confused and a little bit ill. How that is intimidating is beyond us, it's more of a cross between a Riverdance and Mardi Gras. Poor form 70's New Zealanders, poor form indeed.

First World Problems
1: It rained today and I had to walk home in the rain
Comparison: Poor people don't have rain

2. Our oven smokes up every time we use it, no matter how much we clean it
Comparison: Horn of Africa cook their food on rocks. Like a hot rock, except, just a rock.

3. Our sweet Mos are more Babe Repellent that Babe Bait
Comparison: In the Horn of Africa there has been a recent outbreak of Alapachea, and as such they have no Mos, or any hair for that matter

4. Today, when at work, there was some intense highlighting going on and I chose pink, but I really should have chose green
Comparison: Theres no paper in the Horn of africa, also there are no jobs, so therefore no need to highlight anything

Review Immortals
Starring: A bunch of Old Greek Gods, The new Superman, Mickey Rourke and Angus Stones misso
What Happens: The shiny Gold Gods are fighting against Micky Rourkes beard and forlorn looks. They send the new Superman with his massively oiled body to fight his beard because they have more pressing matters on their hands like trying to get that Ferrero Rocher back that allegedly fell from the Heavens. (According to Ferrero Rocher). In the end theres some massive wave that they all try to body surf but because Superman is all oiled up he just slicks through and then floats to the top. Then everyone has a big party with lots of gold and then theres an orgy and then everyone is happy. The End
What we think: It's 300ish, with oil and gold. Hopefully Angus Stones missus is in it more and someone punches Micky Rourke in the faaaaaace
Score: 13 Greek Gods out of the entire amount of Greek Gods

Thanks for watching
Ouuuut  

Harry Potter and the Hot Dog Flavoured Water

Evening all,

Welcome back. Tonight's episode will be brought to you by total and utter soberness. And let me tell you, it is tough. It has taken us 34mins to come up with what we have so far. No wonder Hemmingway was a total drunk, and alleged sex pest. How the heck J.K Rowling wrote an entire series of autobiographies while not drinking at least 1Litre of Captain Morgans Spiced Rum every morning for breakfast is beyond us. And J.R.R Tolkien!!!!! That guy had to travel back in time and then remember what he saw, and then try and make it half interesting. But we will try and gather our thoughts and continue on with more of what you come to expect, a waste of perfectly good internet space for Porn.

Lesson 1: How Chimps make the best Wing Men
Chimps are basically lazy cavemen that refused to evolve. Whilst they have the knowledge and know how to make a timber hut in the rain forest, they lack the knowledge to count to six. But they have one grace, they are the Ultimate Wingmen. Because they are lazy and eat snails, they are mistaken as French, which lures the ladies in from miles away. When they realise it is a chimp, and not some tour guide from the Arc De Triumphe, they then have no other alternative but to ask you where you have acquired this cute little thing, and thats when you bombard them with sweet lies until you are back at your Home Turf with some Marvin Gaye in the background, and of course, the chimp on the video camera. Another bonus is that Chimps aren't fussy and will consume Banana Smoothies for every meal.

Lesson 2: Never trust anyone with a bumbag
If you have ever met any one wearing a bumbag, you will know there is just something quite not right with them. First of all, is it a fashion statement? Is there anything in the bumbag? We used to have bumbags, to carry marbles, when we were 7, maybe all these bumbaggers are in the ultimate marble tournament? Maybe thats where they keep there I.D. Or maybe thats where they keep all the hair they collect off the ground. Whatever the reason, use the stranger danger principle, and only take candy if its still in it's original packaging!

So what should you be on the lookout for? Well the typical bumbagger resembles your garden variety chav or Stereotypical Eastern European thug, wearing their trackie dacks and MC Hammer hair do, even though they are albinos and its often quite hot. They all have one lazy eye, a big gold chain and a menacing attitude. If you see any one matching this description run. Like super fast.

Lesson 3: Tricking Women into marrying you
Recently we had the opportunity to fool one of our unsuspecting friends into becoming engaged to someone who resembles Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, in both looks and general personality traits. We should really write a book on this topic, but that would take too long and I don't think you can have a book with only one page. Anyway this is how it went down:

The Babe was informed, using various technological techniques, that she was coming to the Batcave for a bbq. She thought it was going to be a dude ranch, all the more enticing for a lady. She was then driven down to the general Batcave area where she was then informed by her lover that she wouldnt be made to stay in the confines of the illustrious Batcave with its magnificent Ottomon, but rather a quaint little hell hole up the road. When they drove past this she was then informed that hell holes were so 1990, and therefore she was going somewhere nice. She still hadnt realised that she wasn't coming to Batcave (every babes dream). Long story short: Using various magic tricks and misdirection she was proposed to and then accepted this charitable offer.

So how did we help? Well basically lying like it was going out of fashion. So the following is a list of our lies, actually lets call them tricks:
- BBQ. We don't own one. George Foreman grills our meat.
- Dude Ranch. As if.
- Starts at 7. We werent even home.
- Invite friends that she could facestalk.
- That our lamps are semi-functioning. We actually have a lamp cemetary, where lamps go to die.

So in the end, love conquers stuff. But don't worry chicks, these Batcavers won't be getting married anytime soon, so just calm yourselves down.

I think that's pretty much enough information that can, and will, be provided at this stage of our lives.

From this disgustingly disturbing creature, have a good time doing things

And then Obama said.....

Welcome to the new and improved Batcave blog 2.0. Much the same as I-snack 2.0 (lame) (from hereon in there will be no reference made to 2.0). With the launch of Season 2 we have moulded and grafted the formulas and algorithms to leave you with a less bewildered look on your face and a more positive outlook on life. How are we going to do this? With actual knowledge bombs!! Even though we did actually shred your minds with cluster bombs full of knowledge and life facts during the last round of blogging, this time round we will be way more serious about it. Politics, Current Issues, Tax, Asylum Seekers, all the big world events, you know stuff like that.................who are we kidding, its exactly the same amount of utter dribble as last time. But hey, who cares? not us, thats for sure!

Without further adeur, let us deep sea dive into the realm of endless possibilities and fantastical magic which is the musing of the Batcave.

Evolution
It has been brought to our attention that the human species may not be as cool as we think we are, and when it comes down to it, are just a bunch of glorified cavemen. We are basing this startling finding on a documentary that we watched the other night (We are highly evolved, not like the rest of you) in which a hairy caterpillar lived for 14 years!!! 14 years!!! A caterpillar!!! Very impressive stuff. It lives in the Arctic Circle somewhere, so as you can imagine, its quite chilly most of the time. Evolution Fact 1: It grew hair to keep it from getting the flu. It's also very cold in Winter, so rather than be a mopey little caterpllar it, Evolution Fact 2: Dies. That's right, this Hairy Caterpillar dies and then in the Spring Time comes back to life. It does this for 14 years before it turns itself into a pair of silk pyjamas by ducking and weaving its silk jizz all over itself. Then all this awesomeness is destroyed when this awesome Hairy caterpillar, in all its awesome glory, morphs into a beautiful, magestic Butter......moth. A moth. How devastating. If we were caterpillars and waited 14 years to evolve to the next level (very much like a pokemon) and came out as a moth, well, we'd be pretty disillusioned with life. We'd want to be Beautiful Arctic Butterfly's, not dingy Arctic Moths.

What do humans do? They just live and die. Humans can't make cocoons made of glorious silk, definately can't shape-shift into anything and can't sleep for more than about 12 hours on average per day. The only thing that humans have going for them is that they can't turn into pointless moths.

What killed the Dinosaurs?
You may have heard various answers to this question.
Answer 1: A meteorite the size of Dublin crashed into the Earth, and in doing so made all the dust and dirt on the planet airborne. The Dinosaurs were all asthmatic, couldn't breathe, and then died.
Answer 2: Ice Age. This is pretty self explanitary. It got cold, and because the dinosaurs didn't have their jumpers on, unlike the hairy caterpillar, they got really bad chills and then died. Pretty lazy really, they should have saw that one coming, they were just trying to be tough.
Answer 3: Jesus killed them. Christians think dinosaurs were like your garden variety leprachaun or midget. Non existent. So they made up this whole book dedicated to how Jesus fought all the dinosaurs with his ninja skills, and then turned some bread into wine and fish into water. Some may know it as The Bible. WWJD? Punch a dinosaur

Now, we have discovered the real answer: Dino Riders
Dino Riders was a documentary produced in the late 80's about some dudes from this planet that travel back in time because some evil guy was mean to them. Due to the fact that we really couldnt be bothered explaining it, here's a little snap shot of what happened. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpuhLkh358Y

So how did the dinosaurs die? The Dino Riders rode them into the ground. Literally, and physically. By the end, the dinosaurs were praying for a meteorite combined with an Ice Age combined with a Full Force Jesus Attack.

Elephant Seals

Seriously, what was God smoking when he came up with these things. They are "Spew-in-your-mouth" Ugly.


Thats enough of that, stay posted for more revelations and blasphemy.

Ouuuutttttt