2011

Even though the year doesn't officially end (according to the bureau of statistics) for another couple of days, we thought we would conclude 2011 with one last outstanding effort of literature. Be warned though, this will be one mammoth blog, so make sure you have no plans, your babies are locked in their rooms, or cars if you're a shit parent, and get ready to reminisce about the good times that happened over the past year.

The Beginning of Le Bat Cave

The story of how the Batcave come about has been shrouded in mystery for centuries, but we will finally reveal all its secrets. Prior to August 2011, when us pair of rebel renegades formally announced that the residence would be known as Le Bat Cave, there were a pair of ladies living here, and they had named it Chateau Marmont. While we are all about the french and their baguette eating ideals, this name wouldn't fly while we were around due to our lack of candles and Japanese art on the wall. In other terms, we morphed the chateau into a man cave. From this point on we have been living our lives without a care in the world, trying to lure babes and trying to get to the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2012, having coffees and drinking Captain Morgan.

Whats Happened?

From memory loads of stuff happened but we won't go through every single little thing and just give you the highlights

1. Mugabe (Zimbo dictator) was the Inaugural winner of Last Dictator Standing. He fought off some some stiff competition from the little puppet out of Team America, who coincidentally is now a stiff himself. This achievement was no small feat as most of the African Leaders were wiped out in round one.

2. Summer never came. There are a number a reasons why this has occurred. Meteorologists will give you some bullshit excuse about some Spanish war princess named La Nina but there are only two really plausible reasons. The first is that we went out and bought a portable air conditioner, and the second is Julia's Carbon tax has actually worked. I'm pretty sure we aren't paying a tax to bring about the swift return of an Ice Age though Julia, Sort. It. Out!!

3. In the last blog we gave you a super exclusive about JP4, which turns out was not quite correct. That was only a first draft written by George Lucas, and we all know the last Indiana Jones was an absolute sham job, so Spielberg has informed us that he is re-writing it personally and he has given us the inside running of what the script will actually contain. A more accurate way to sum up that last sentence is  he gave us 5 options of what might be in the script, and we have good news; they are being based on movies that have been made already!!
a) Schindler's List: Just like Santa, Schinder had a list. Schindler was a nice German who saved thousands of Polish-Jews from that gimp Adolf. Schindler will be played by a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and he will eat Nazis.
b) Dinosaurs vs Predator: The dinosaurs have eaten all the humans, the Predators turn up, the dinosaurs eat all the Predators.
c) Valentines Day: Pretty much the same plot, except the men are played by Velociraptors and the ladies are  played by whoever played them in the last Valentines Day movie.
d) Apollo 13. This classic about that space mission that nearly made it to the moon but run out of petrol will pretty much be the same except all the people at Houston will be played by Dinosaurs and the disaster was created from the dinosaurs poor workmanship.
e) Mad Max. Mel Gibson is pretty much a dinosaur, so it's pretty much a reshoot.

4. Foo Fighters and Wombats rocked our worlds. Yep, they did.

So that's it, that's pretty much all that happened in the last year. On a more specific Bat Cave related note, we have christened the Bat Cave. And I think that should be the biggest highlight of all.

And because we know you love them so much, here are the final movie reviews for 2011.

Tower Heist
Starring: Zoolander, The guy from Eddie Murphy's Raw, Ferris Bueller, The old dude from Mash, Ben Afflecks little brother
What Happens: The title of this movie is pretty much a massive spoiler alert. Zoolander and his mates have been dudded by Hawk Eye or Hot Lips or whoever the hell he played in M*A*S*H, who has stole all their Rolex watches and shoes. The guy from Raw, who has been in gaol previously because he literally stole 45 cats from a pet shop, tries to morph the band of merry men into a SWATesque unit through the use of outdated humour and volume enhanced talking. In the end, Hot Lips has a heart attack because he is about 110 years old, everyone gets their shoes back and they live in the tower forever.
What we think: Great line-up of comedy gold, plus a tower and a heist. What could be bad about this? Not enough total babes is the answer, where are the babes?
Score: An Empire State Building out of the Eiffel Tower and Centrepoint Tower

Tin-Tin
Starring: Computers
What Happens: This is every Rangas wet dream, a hero with red hair. Based on the character written by some Belgian fella, who may or may not have been a Ranga himself, this film sees the title character travel across deserts on a yacht. He also travels across water on yachts. This kid travels everywhere by yacht. His mission, if he chooses to accept it, which he does, is to fight baddies from his yacht with his dog Scotty or Snowy or whatever, and to just generally have a fun time on his Contiki Tour of Europe.
What we think: Honestly, it's about time a Ranga has been in the spotlight as a super action star. Nicole Kidman and Pippi Long Stockings definitely don't count as heroes. Nor does the Sherminator. For a movie made by computers it doesn't look too bad really, plus it will be a major draw card for all those with a panache for sailing.
Score: 17 tinnies out of 26 rubber duckies

Ok, that concludes this years blogging. Hope you've enjoyed it more than we have writing it. What a pain in the arse. Don't expect it to get better in 2012, but expect it to come back anyway.

And remember, New Years Eve is all about getting one last shot away with the babes, so get out there, offer champagne and be real classy so when midnight rolls around you are in with a shot to 1. Get a smooch, 2. Seal the Deal

From your friends at the Bat Cave
Good Night

Christmas Special

Welcome to the Official 2011 Christmas Blog from Le Bat Cave.

Generally we are pretty generous, but because this is Christmas we are going to be super generous and give you all the best christmas present ever, an Exclusive!!

Exclusive!!!! Jurassic Park 4

It's been a number of years since the last installment of this franchise, and because the Hollywood Brains Trust has turned its attention to not coming up with original concepts, we are travelling back in time a gazillion years to when dinosaurs ruled the earth, with their tyranny and dirtbag attitudes. So whats the exclusive? Well we have the actual plot of the movie that Steve Spielberg has come up with.

Plot: The fourth movie takes place 125 years after the last movie. (For those of you who can't remember, the third movie (an absolute classic.....) took place on a different island, a party island. The humans decided they'd try and make dinosaurs party, the dinosaurs partied alright, by eating all the humans and then drinking all the wine.) Having realized that bringing dinosaurs back to life using mosquito jizz was probably as about as smart as trying to drown fish in water, the humans have come up with an even better idea!!! Dinosaurs in space. In the 125 years since the last film, a young college student has trained his pet Triceratops to fly a spaceship with his gang of misfit mates. His mates are a T-Rex, a little green thing that ate that dickhead from the Second Movie, and 4 Velociraptors who have now learnt to communicate through texting and facebook rather than making those ridiculous sounds.

From here they fly about the solar system looking for trouble, and by god they find it, in the form of an exotic alien race hell bent on Universal Domination. They have big space ships and they have big laser guns. Cue gun fights, drama, comedy and just realistic terror.

We don't want to spoil the movie for everyone, but its pretty obvious that the dinosaurs win and turn the aliens into their personal slaves. The dinosaurs then go home and eat all the humans for sending them into battle with the aliens. Spielberg will fill in all the logistics and technical jargon with his usual cutting edge script writing and plotting.

This movie will be a cross between Star Wars and The original Jurassic Park, and we are guessing it will be the fourth highest grossing films of all time. Don't tell anyone that we told you this as it's a massive hollywood secret

Now, because we are all about the internet and what information that it holds, heres some things we have recently found:
I'm Santa and I Know It
Bad Lip Reading
Drunk Kitchen

Alright we are more hungover than usual and this is a God forsaken Ordeal!!!! So Have a Merry Christmas, if that's what your into, if you're not, get a life. And we might see you before the New Year, just to cap off the year where this blog was created and turned the world on its head......Or just did nothing

Voldemort

If you are an avid reader, you will recollect that a while back we made some outlandish accusations about making life goals and then completing them. True to form, we can't remember what we actually said we were going to do, and couldn't really be bothered to go through the excellent reading material in search of what we wrote down. So we'll just start again and now inform you we have only one life goal. Just one, but it's quite large. Get a ticket to the 2012 Victorias Secret fashion Show. We don't know if it's possible to fall in love multiple times (as we don't bother with love) but we're fairly sure that we fell in love at least 56 times in 42 minutes. It's love, or lust, nope, definately love.

There will be certain steps that will need to be taken in order to accomplish our goal. We only have a year, but with the following tactics we are sure to reach our goal:

1. Become Celebrities
- The quickest way to become a celebrity would be to go on Big Brother or Burgo's Catchphrase. Or this blog needs to take off, but really, the only blogs that are worthy of free tickets to anything are the ones that rag on celebrities, so in essence that is both hypocritical and ironic. Plus we prefer to rag on people we've actually met.

2. Donate a tonne of money to Alzheimer Research
- Believe it or not we googled the easiest way to get a ticket to the show and the first answer was to donate $25000 to Alzheimers. Whilst we are all for the charitable donations of funds to poor kids, bits of coral and any old mug with a limp and a bad haircut, that is an excessive amount of money to be giving to charity. It is tax deductible, but we arent taking loans out to give money to people who forget they were given the money anyway. We could just tell them we donated it, and because they can't remember getting it, they would just agree politely. (much the same as when you can't understand someone, so you just say "yeah" and smile).

3. Get in a loving relationship with one of the models.
- I don't think our personalities are going to get us through this one.

4. Become Rockstars
- Seal. Adam Levine. Old mate from Kings of Leon. There's a trend there. The unfortunate part is that we are as musically challenged as a deaf mute and our only encounters with playing sweet tunes are from our primary school days where we learned guitar and clarinet. One of us played Grandmas Feather Bed at a school concert, let's just say the crowd wasn't yelling out "Encore", they were more concerned as to why a 9 year old was putting on a deep southern accent to belt out the chorus line. And i've never heard of any clarinet players making the big time, but we don't usually run in those circles, so maybe there is a massive underground clarinet movement taking the world by storm................yeah, right.

I think that should cover it. Getting our 15minutes should ensure a ticket, and then we can just melt away into the abyss

Now, to our next topic: Luring women. We haven't touched on this in a while, and it's about time we updated you all on our success......cough......It will actually be more of a guide of what women really don't want to hear. Actually, we should right a book called "How not to pick up women"

"Do you want to come back to my place?" This does work, but not to strangers you haven't laid any ground work with. Its like trying to eat cereal without a bowl and a spoon. You need a bowl, minimum.

 BC "Do you want some chips?
 Lady: "No thanks, I don't eat maccas chips?"
 BC " Oh, ok, how bout some sex then?"
 Lady: *Stonecold silence*
First dates to Maccas, as well as the offering of Maccas will get you nowhere. After all, whens the last time Ronald McDonald got any action? His choices are a man who wants to steal his possessions, a literal bird and a big purple blob.

BC "Do you like my moe?"
Lady "Not really, it looks seedy"
BC "Well, it's not, do you want to touch it?
Lady "Ok"
Lady "It feels worse than it looks"
BC "It doesnt look as bas as yours"
Lady *Walks off*
Moes are great babe repellant. That is all

Alright, enough of that. Stay tuned for the next episode where we will travel to Borneo and film ourselves getting lost, eating Pandas and using our survival skills we learnt one night in Parramatta.