Rock of Ages Review

Review: Rock of Ages
Starring: Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, C. Zeta-Jones, other people who sing and dance
What Happens: Like your "Glee" and your "High School Musical" this movie focus' on how to annoy audiences by continuously stopping to sing and dance instead of developing story lines through the use of monotonic dialogue. Tom Cruise plays the greatest music guy on the planet, and is therefore spending half his time doing drugs on top of women, and the other half doing women on top of musical instruments. Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin are couple of promoters who want Tom to play at the club(which has previously hosted the Wiggles and the Shakespearean play "Othello" where the entire cast were a herd of goats). Zeta-Jones plays a typical woman with menopause and a bad attitude, always nagging and banging on about something, who wants Tom to avoid her hometown because of her aforementioned menopause. She also co-wrote "The Female Eunuch" with Germaine "cranky Pants" Greer. In the end everyone gets together for karaoke and a few wines.
What we think: There is no hope of us watching this. Singing ruined the Lion King, and singing has ruined this movie. There are a couple of hot groupie babes to distract us for at least 9 seconds, but that's about it. Karaoke lovers will be enthused by the sing-a-longs involved.
Score: A washed up lead guitarist out of a washed up 80's Glam Rock band.

Obviously, that was a pretty negative review, but if you'd ingested as much Ibuprofen and Panadol today, your outlook on life would hardly be amazing either.

Also, Winter is upon us, which does not improve the overall depression. Winter was invented by the Roman Emporer, Nero. He thought it was a great idea until he got a bit chilly and couldn't find his coat. That's the real story why he burnt down Rome, because he was cold. Before he invented the season of Winter, there was no such thing as snow or ice, which made life a living hell on a hot day when all a tired slave wanted was an icy cold glass of coke. Instead they had to drink hot mud.

Snow White and The Huntsman Review

Review Snow White and The Huntsman
Starring: Charlize Theron, Thor, K Stew, a pack of angry midgets
What Happens: The classic fairytale comes to life (again) in this non-stop action comedy romance thriller. Charlize Theron is a total babe, but to become a more totally rad babe she must suck the faces off other hot babes who then become middle aged soccer mums. Because Charlize is a bit vain she talks to only two things: her mirror and her murder of crows. Luckily for her, the mirror speaks to her while the crows shit all over her freshly combed hair. The mirror tells Charlize she is a total babe but there is another babe in the order of K Stew. The babe-ness of K Stew is debatable. The mirror has his beer goggles on. Anyway Charlize hires Thor to go find K Stew and force her to eat 1000 apples, which follows the original fairytale. Luckily the film is set in winter time so Thor has to wear extra layers of clothing, this prevents everyone from feeling like they have failed at life. Anyway, K Stew and Thor fall in love, get followed around by 7 angry midgets who are only interested in the coal mining industry and then have a massive battle in the ocean whilst getting dive bombed by a shit tonne of crows. In the end, Thor smashes everyone, K Stew has a moody look on her face, and Charlize turns into a middle aged soccer mum.
What we think: It doesn't look too bad, especially the scene where Charlize gets covered in milk. She does tend to be a bit of a moody bitch though. The midgets are quite fascinating, because they are midgets, and Thor is always a killer dude, and thank the heavens he kept his shirt on.
Score: 5 Midgets out of the 5th Annual Short People Gathering in Miami, Florida

Perth: First World Problems

A lot of people mention to us when they are walking down the street, I'd like to live in Perth. And now, because we have moved on from our days as fashionistas in Milan, we will commence our latest improvement to our blog, a travel segment (in point form of course).

Perth

When: Last weekend, back-end of the middle of May, but not the end.

Why: Because we work for Lonely Planet sometimes. Whether they like it or not.

Things You need to know:

• Every single person in Perth is chilled to the max in the day time. But when night falls, that's when the "Night people" come out to play. You will observe the "night people" when you walk down the street, as the people who have a deranged look in their eyes, a torn t-shirt and are yelling at you with consecutive swear words for no other reason than that you have entered their line of vision. But much like the jungle cats of the Daintree Rain forest, you will survive if you do not make eye contact!! If you do make eye contact, prepare to go 5 rounds in the main street. Then when the sun comes back out, everybody goes back to not caring. And the world is normal again.
• If you are a poor person, you should just go to Centrelink instead, save up your dole cheques, and then one day, you could go to Perth.
• If you have saved up enough dole cheques you should then buy yourself an airline ticket. If you do decide to buy a ticket through Virgin then prepare to be judged and humiliated. The plane on the way back was built by the Wright brothers, and when they constructed their flying contraption they decided to segregate the rich wine drinking people from the people who were drinking Pepsi Max and water. The kicker though is that there were a total of 4 swanks on board, who were cordoned off by a small rope, but they had a toilet all to themselves. The rest of the 200 people on board had one toilet to choose from which was basically located in the cargo hold. 
• Down in Fremantle, this is generally how everyone acts, Bloody Hipsters. In fact, a guy working in a restaurant had a uniform which consisted of him having a rug wrapped around his head. it wasn't that cold.
• Yum Cha is a delicious meal to eat when you have had too many drinks the night before. We would not recommend drinking 25 beers after eating 4.6kg of Yum Cha, for obvious and self explanatory reasons. 

So basically in summary, stay indoors at night time, take out a mortgage, eat Yum Cha, and fly QANTAS.

In our next travel adventure, we will be heading the wilds of Tasmania in search of the ellusive Dodo bird, who some say murdered the last Tasmanian Tiger out of jealousy

Fashion Exclusive

Unfortunately the summer that never was has passed us by and we are moving full steam ahead into a time where the length of the humble skirt is lowered to below the knee and those stupid high cut pants are thrown into the cupboard until festival season rolls around again. But why should they be? In today's glorious update we will take you to the fashion world and tell you about the things, as well dressed gentleman, which are total crimes against the world. In essence we are a formidable Fashion Police

High Cut Shorts
We just spewed in our mouths. We are totally for the fact that the pants are a means of securing half an arse cheek. But we are totally against the fact that they are being used as a way to prop up boobs. If you are going to wear high cut shorts, please make sure that the waist of the shorts are at waist level, not breast level.

If her boobs were bigger, nice bra

Joggers and Jeans
We will walk to the sun without sunscreen on the day this obscene combination becomes fashionable. No offence to anyone out there that thinks that wearing joggers and jeans is awesome, but come on. This combo is mainly worn by people who are after the mobility of joggers and the stylish swagger of jeans. They have given up on finding love, or are very confident that they have found love, and stop caring. At least for the most part the Joggers and Jeans combination has been confined to the Western Suburbs of Sydney (we're looking at you Mt Druitt) and the Frankston area of Victoria, but much like the Cane Toad it may be spreading to regions where people are above board and where normal shoe/jeans combinations are black banned.

This Mountain Lady has since been put down

Top Buttons Done to the Top
When a shirt designer designs a shirt, they only put that extra button at the top because they have way too many buttons. There is no reasonable explanation as to why anyone does up there top button unless they are wearing a tie. Actually, we tell lies, there are two other types of people who can get away with this: Mexican Cartel Members and People who are affiliated with hardcore Gangs. They are also eligible to wear bandannas on their heads. Unless you are in a cartel or a gang, this is a fashion crime. It's basically like committing mass murders. Not as bad as joggers and Jeans however which is like dropping a Nuke on a beautiful island in the South Pacific. People who have fringes tend to pursue this course of fashion, and it's pretty clear from all the fringe monsters that we've met, that they are not very trustworthy and would probably punch a kitten.

Nice hair, slick

And thats about all the fashion we could think of. Because we didn't want to offend anyone we didn't really mention chicks who are "larger than life" wearing pants which are "not as large as life" but we are too nice to drop to those levels of blogging. On a positive note, we will be designing some articles of clothing for the Next Big Fashion Show in Milan. You can be rest assured that there will be no Joggers with Jeans.

Prometheus review

Movie Review

Prometheus
Starring: Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Couple of other people, some Aliens
What Happens: For centuries now, an alien race has been handing out party invitations to humans to come to their planet for night of boozing and BBQs. Unfortunately no one has been smart enough to realise that these party invitations have been handed out. This all changes when two super smart humans discover that they have been invited to the Alien party and fortunately for them the Aliens still let them attend, even though they missed the RSVP date by 3000 years. So the humans get some friends together, buy a keg from the Bottlo, organise between them to buy crisps and other party foods, get into their spaceship, (which is called Prometheus) and then make the journey to the party. The story then follows that the Aliens are really angry that the humans are late for the party and have turned the happy party atmosphere into a scene reminiscent of Alien, and eat their faces. This leaves a bad taste in everyones' mouth, especially the Aliens because human tastes horrible unless marinated overnight.
What we Think: It is such a refreshing change in a movie where the Aliens don't come to Earth to murder everyone. These humans are totally in the wrong. it is so annoying when people don't say whether or not they are going to be somewhere, so serves them right. We don't understand why the aliens keep inviting the humans to their party, but women are hard enough to understand, let alone a totally different Alien species
Would we go see it: It does look pretty good. Ridley Scott directed it, and it's his first Science Fiction movie since Gladiator. 25 Spaceships out of a Fleet of 34 Spaceships

Bicycles: Natures Death Traps

Whilst we don't condone the riding of bicycles for fun as a legitimate thing to do, some of our allies rather enjoy taking part in the strenuous aspects of life. The demonic bicycle was invented by Graham Oliver Farthing in 1962 as a mode of transport to the afterlife, much the same as Alexander Graham Bell had invented the telephone to talk to dead people. Both would be turning in their graves at the thought of what their inventions have become. The reason we are dropping this knowledge bomb on you is awareness. Yes, you read correctly, awareness. We have taken to being quite morally adept in our old age and now carry out public service announcements on here rather than just blowing your minds with movie reviews and stories of people who invade our cave (refer to Sex Offenders and Chicks). The following, in our favoured point form, are the repercussions of riding bicycles:

1. You get hit by cars. This is true and not exaggerated. if you ride your bicycle on the road you will definitely be struck by a motor vehicle. In the interests of public safety you should ride, if you really have to, on the footpath at all times, and have a little bell attached to your handlebars so when pedestrians walk into your bike zone you can tell them to move.

2. Magpies hate only two things; Children and Bike riders. If you are a bike riding child you will die from Magpie attacks. It is a known fact that children are most likely to be swooped if they have a helmet on, and that Magpies will not attack if the cyclist is riding in heavy traffic. The moral of that story, don't wear a helmet in heavy traffic if you are a child.

3. No body will love you if you wear Lycra. this includes your mothers. Ladies, it's not OK to have a 5 inch camel toe. Dudes, it's not OK to have a division sign. Lycra should be kept for intimate hours int he bedroom, or if you are at an 80's aerobic class.

4. Obese kids should not be encouraged to do exercise on a bicycle. They look stupid and they have poor balance leading to more reasons for them to be bullied by athletic children. In terms of what Obese children should do, STOP EATING CUPCAKES.

In all seriousness, one of our Batcave allies was struck down by the flu whilst riding his bike to work today, and by flu we mean an Asian lady driving a Toyota Celica. One of us had to use our full hectic First Aid skills to sew him back together, which is a definite bonus if you ever decide to join us for some quiet drinks with friends. He is ok, but his bicycle was swooped by magpies and could not be recovered.

Stay tuned for foreign correspondant, City Lemsipper in the coming weeks aswell. Nothing but exclusives at this blog.

Jessica Simpson Baby News

Good Afternoon.

"The Kony kids are lucky they don't have to watch the apprentice" - Guest

Jessica Simpson has had a baby girl named MAXWELL. Yes, you read correctly, her girl has a boys name that hasn't be used since the creation of lovable Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. This doesn't really phase us, because we really don't care about Jessica Simpson or her southern accent. Our problem emanates from what happened during the course of her 15 month pregnancy. She had artistic nudes taken. Whilst this may not concern most of you, we are concerned for the children, and in this case MAXWELL. MAXWELL has to grow up at some point and the poor dear is going to have to see photos of her naked pregnant mother. The one saving grace is that the photograph is photo shopped to the nines which makes up for Jessica looking like a disheveled, overfed Banshee.  The images are just too graphic to put up on this blog site.

On the other hand, Alessandra is pregnant. She can get away with her artistic nudes because she is a total babe. Cudos to whoever manged to get her in the sack and then wnt one step further and subbed her pill out for tic tacs.



Movie Review
The 5 Year Engagement
Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segal
What happens: As the title suggests, this film revolves around the the two main stars being engaged for a period of 5 years, and it is quite a hoot. The film is actually a 5 hour masterpiece where each year of their engagement is given an hour to formulate the appropriate plot lines. It basically follows that they are first off in love, then they movie to some snow covered area, possibly Canada. This is where the trouble starts when Segal's character falls hopelessly in love with Blunt's Mother and Grandmother, and Blunt's character must turn to hunting bears in the wilderness. For the two years following they both travel there seperate paths, Blunt being a Big Game hunter in the wild safaris of Africa and Segal just follows Blunt's Grandma around hoping to catch a glimpse of her saggy granny cans. The film then meanders through dialogue until the two are back together.
What we Think: Jason Segal is hilarious for a 6ft 4inch monster. Emily Blunt is a total babe. It looks alright, take your girlfriends, or if you are wooing a babe, take her after a delicious meal
Score: 3 years of engagement out of a 12 year marriage followed by divorce

And yes, we are back to rating randomly, bugger frothing and we've had too many bad experiences with spew lately to even consider that

Ok, later homies