Whilst we don't condone the riding of bicycles for fun as a legitimate thing to do, some of our allies rather enjoy taking part in the strenuous aspects of life. The demonic bicycle was invented by Graham Oliver Farthing in 1962 as a mode of transport to the afterlife, much the same as Alexander Graham Bell had invented the telephone to talk to dead people. Both would be turning in their graves at the thought of what their inventions have become. The reason we are dropping this knowledge bomb on you is awareness. Yes, you read correctly, awareness. We have taken to being quite morally adept in our old age and now carry out public service announcements on here rather than just blowing your minds with movie reviews and stories of people who invade our cave (refer to Sex Offenders and Chicks). The following, in our favoured point form, are the repercussions of riding bicycles:
1. You get hit by cars. This is true and not exaggerated. if you ride your bicycle on the road you will definitely be struck by a motor vehicle. In the interests of public safety you should ride, if you really have to, on the footpath at all times, and have a little bell attached to your handlebars so when pedestrians walk into your bike zone you can tell them to move.
2. Magpies hate only two things; Children and Bike riders. If you are a bike riding child you will die from Magpie attacks. It is a known fact that children are most likely to be swooped if they have a helmet on, and that Magpies will not attack if the cyclist is riding in heavy traffic. The moral of that story, don't wear a helmet in heavy traffic if you are a child.
3. No body will love you if you wear Lycra. this includes your mothers. Ladies, it's not OK to have a 5 inch camel toe. Dudes, it's not OK to have a division sign. Lycra should be kept for intimate hours int he bedroom, or if you are at an 80's aerobic class.
4. Obese kids should not be encouraged to do exercise on a bicycle. They look stupid and they have poor balance leading to more reasons for them to be bullied by athletic children. In terms of what Obese children should do, STOP EATING CUPCAKES.
In all seriousness, one of our Batcave allies was struck down by the flu whilst riding his bike to work today, and by flu we mean an Asian lady driving a Toyota Celica. One of us had to use our full hectic First Aid skills to sew him back together, which is a definite bonus if you ever decide to join us for some quiet drinks with friends. He is ok, but his bicycle was swooped by magpies and could not be recovered.
Stay tuned for foreign correspondant, City Lemsipper in the coming weeks aswell. Nothing but exclusives at this blog.
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