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Well the day has finally arrived, the day you have all been dreading, it's the day the LeBatcave shuts down. And just in time for the latest installment of the Batman Trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises, as well. Filming was an ordeal!!! The amount of water they poured through here, no wonder we have a mould crisis alert!

So we thought we'd go through some of the memories that we created whilst we stayed here, in point form of course. Don't worry we are far too lazy to go through every single adventure, and just keep in mind 83% of our time was spent either at work, hungover or playing Gran Tourismo on a Friday night. We've changed.

Things we will remember, and you should too
- Bavarian Beer Cafe: We walked in, sat down at a table reserved for people ordering food. We told, Viv, our sexy waitress that we would order food but was just waiting on a couple of people. We never ordered any food. 4.5 Litres and 6 hours later it was Spewfest 2011. We tryed to get Viv to come to the Batcave by giving her a massive tip, a flower picked from a pot plant we found and our business cards, but she never came back :-(
- Ramjet's Bucks Show: If any of you have been to a buck show, you'll know what we're on a bout here. We can't go into any kind of detail about the events that went down, due to Bro-code restrictions, but we can tell you the weekend ended in a full beer bottle being answered rather than a telephone resulting in a bed full of beer.
- The night City Lemsipper came to party: This can be read about in a post from earlier in the year entitled "When Sex Offenders strike at 2am". We give him hell for this, but honestly, props to that guy. It will live long in the hallowed walls of LeBatcave(Mainly because of the scuff marks on the walls of LeBatcave).
- Batcave Launch Party: Our poor kitchen. Our poor, poor kitchen. The amount of martini or whatever the hell it was on the ground was larger than the Hoover Dam in America. It was also the first time the N Jaffas were brought out in public and it's safe to say they went down an absolute treat.
- Batcave-a-Palooza: We had this at the Crowie due to the fact our place was like Hiroshima a day after they dropped that big dirty bomb on it. Everyone got a free drink, which we hooked up cos we are just great guys. But then the bouncers caught on that we were having fun and started randomly punting people. Good work bouncers, we love you guys heaps (Fucking Not).

Things we may remember, and you don't have to
- Arctic Monkeys. Fringe Monkey spilling not one, but two drinks, and then his little misso pagging up and getting the boot. It was fun though.
- Foo Fighters at SFS. Getting tickets off the biggest seeds in Sydney
- Anytime Coffee Black and Fringe Monkey stayed over chaos ensued. Stealing people's I.D cards from the Crowie, eating our leftover roasts, having really weird haircuts that they are going to look back on when they're older and think, What was I thinking......I must have been a batty boy!!! It also made us realise that we are old gronks and can't party like we used to, even though we try hard.
- The Wombats. Fun times. Drinks were spilt, 16year olds were hooked up with (nice one Zippy). Once again the Crowie bouncers were Gronkbags and wouldn't let us in. We fooled them though by changing our shirts and going back up. We are so smart.

Things we don't remember
- Anything that happened after we had N Jaffas.

Ok, that's it. The end of an era. On this Black Friday we bid you farewell. The back Catalogue will be available on Amazon for $2.50 per blog, which makes us think, why didn't we write 1 million updates.

So from us, Good Bye. may your wildest dreams come true, and "Where are my Dragons?!!!!!!"

Erotic Novel Chapter 2

As Sister Mary Margaret lay in her hammock, listening to the heavy artillery gunfire overhead she could faintly hear the soft breathing of her companion and fellow Sister, Yvette. They had been bunkered down in the tiny bomb shelter for a day now, hiding from the distress of war with a low supply of food and little water. It was night time outside but the women could not tell, they just lay, waiting for the gunfire to stop, or for the war to be thrust upon their tiny bomb shelter. As Sister Mary Margaret sat up, she turned to Yvette who by now was also sitting. They locked eyes with one another, not uttering a single word. Yvette rose to her feet and slipped off her sexy nurse uniform. Sister Mary Margaret was taken back by this manoeuvre. As Yvette stood there, completely still, but completely naked, Sister Mary Margaret felt something come over her that she had never felt before. Lust for a woman. Yvette was tall, with legs that seemed to travel up to a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Her skin was tanned and her body was that of a glamourous Supermodel. Her perky breasts sat promptly on her chest. Sister Mary Margaret stood as well, she was very nervous as she had never experienced the touch of a woman, not even herself (because she was married to God and all that) . Yvette had only recently joined the convent, and was a reformed sex addict. A very Sexy Sex Addict. The two women stood in front of each other, staring into the eyes of one another. Yvette out stretched her hand and slighty touched Sister Mary Margaret on her left cheek. This sent shivers all the way down her spine, eventually settling deep in her loins. With that touch she had gone from "Fairly Moist" to "Damp as a wet sponge". She immediately tore off her clothes in an absurd fit of passion, resembling the antics of someone with epilepsy. By now her clothes had been strewn across the concrete floor, and the two women stood in front of each other, this time both completely naked. Yvette, without losing eye contact with Sister Mary Margaret knelt down. Confronted with the sight of Sister Mary Margaret's Poorly Wrapped Kebab, she proceeded to place her right hand on the good Sister's left breast, her other hand on her right buttock and her tongue on her magic bean. The ecstasy that Sister Mary Margaret felt could have lit up the small bombshelter, the glow on her face was obvious. As Yvette motor boated her Tucker box, she audibly moaned with pleasure. God was in tears.

This is the second installment, "Nurses and Lovers" in the Erotic Adventures of Sister Mary Margaret book series. Avid readers of the first erotic story will notice that we really used up all our erotic novel writing know-how in the first part, and ran out of steam for this one. We could definitely not write a screenplay for a Hollywood movie...............................or could we?..........................No we couldn't.

An Open Letter to Todd

An Open Letter to Todd Thomas

Dear Todd (Fashion Legend),

Over the past year, since we moved into our illustrious LeBatcave we have delved into the highly glamorous world of fashion and in particular, the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show's. When we say delved, we watched the 05'-11' Fashion Shows repeatedly, both hungover and sober. Obviously, as two stunningly handsome (debatable) heterosexual males, we were mostly interested in who was wearing the clothes, or there lack of, rather than the actual fashion. As time went on, we realised that we became interested in the clothing that these beautiful models wore. And that's where you come in. Todd, not only do you have the greatest job on earth, way better than a Dolphin Trainer at Seaworld, but also, you are very good at what you do. I mean, that haircut and horn-rimmed glasses combo really sets the mood for the models. But we digress, and here's the crux of our open letter. Can we be your apprentices? We realise that we have no real knowledge or experience of the fashion world, but we think that we are pretty great at most things in life, and designing clothes wouldn't be too much of a stretch. Under your guidance anyway. Whilst we might not fully comprehend fashion, we definately know whats hot and what's not. Hot: Anything you designed, Todd, Not: Any of these things. We don't mean to blow smoke up your Arse, so to speak, but we really are fans of your work. After your silver screen stints in Victoria's Secret 10'-11' Fashion Show's we finally found the upstanding Gentlemen that we could entrust in helping us (Two simple guys from the Land Down Under) achieve the lofty goals of experiencing the glitz and glamour of a Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.

And as our mothers have always told us "You can always trust a guy with Two first names"

If you would like us to send through any of our designs, let us know. We are more than willing to show you we are not only really efficient at the English Language, but also with MS Paint and drawing lines. Sewing may be a slight issue. There was this sock bunny we had to sew back in high school and.................that's a story for another day.

Kind Regards,

Your LeBatcave Team.

P.S: Can you send us some tickets anyway?
P.P.S: If the tickets don't work out, we could totally carry your coffee and provide light-hearted entertainment for everyone.
P.P.P.S: When we say we could provide light-hearted entertainment we mean we could sit in the corner, not offend anyone and drink champagne.

Final Review!!

Because we didn't want to give away the surprise too early of what will be our last movie review, we decided not to put it in the heading line but add it in the first paragraph. Mind blowing, we know. And we have definitely (not) left the best for last. We've covered some great movies since we started back in our glory days as a couple of easy-come-easy-go bachelors with great attitudes and fashion accessorizing techniques, but this last one is quite a doozy. Before you all have strokes, the final review is........................................................Abraham Lincoln:Vampire Hunter

Review Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Starring: Wise Old Abe, Presumably the pasty guy from Twilight (Unconfirmed), Probably a babe
What Happens: Because Old Abe wasn't born with a filthy neck beard and a big shove-pipe hat, he obviously had to the pass the time before he became somehow relevant to American History. As a boy, his mother was eaten by vampires (they didn't try to turn her, they just ate her all up) and this made him really angry, but he couldn't do anything about it because he was just a wimpy child. This coming-of-age teen sex romp is basically the adolescent years of Abe. From his first girlfriend (werewolf) to dealing with his lost cat (werewolf), this take on his life explores the inner workings of this Vampire Hunters mind. He shows great skills as a lumberjack, cutting through large oak trees in a single hit. He shows excellent navigation skills by riding on top of a cargo train which has been lit on fire by a vampire (most likely). But the greatest thing it shows is how Abraham Lincoln killed all the vampires (except the ones from Twilight, Underworld and Blade) so we can live as free humans today. What a legendary Dude.
What do we think: What a crock of shit. What's next? George Washington:International Male Model, or Julia Gillard: Penguin Look-a-like Contest Participant. Hollywood must be running out of ideas, and in a hurry. Oh and for a teen sex romp, where's all the drugs???
Score: 1 Stove-pipe Hat out of 1 Gazillion Stove Pipe Hats. This is the same guy who got assassinated by John Wilkes Boothe? (Our American History knowledge base is built on heresay and conjecture) But can kill a shit tonne of vampires. Very Real.

Explaining Game of Thrones

We love Game of Thrones. Mainly because it has a heap of boobs, clunge and murder involved in it, but sometimes we just appreciate the characters involved. For you consideration we have prepared a summary of the main players as it gets a little confusing trying to keep up with what's going on. We won't do every character as that would literally take us an hour to write, and let's face it, we could not be bothered.

Intro: Daaaaaaaaaa daaaaaaaa dadadummmmmmmmmmmmm da dadadummmmmmmmmmmm

Sersei Lannister: You'd do her, but unfortunately she only has sex with her close family members. Not to mention she is an absolute bitch. You'd do her though.

Tyrion Lannister: Imp. Hilarious and bangs heaps of prossies.





Jaqen: Deadset Legend. Murders at the drop of a hat. Very handy to have around.

Danerys Targarean: You'll hear alot of "Where are my Dragons!?!?!". She got her kit off a fair bit in the first season, but unfortunately due to her now being ridiculously in love with her dragons she doesn't even show side boob. She is really whiny about her dragons.


Joffrey: What a little fucksnot!!!!. Everytime you see him on the TV you just want to punch his stupid blonde head. The worst thing is that he is now getting married to the hottest babe in all the land who doesnt mind setting her rack of lamb free, Margery Tyrell.

Ok, we got bored of this, so that's the end of that. If we were on Game of Thrones though we definitely would not be going North of the Wall. It's cold and you can't have any relations with any babes ever!!! And poor Jon Snow has this crazy ranga trying to seduce him. I bet he regrets taking those stupid vows. Plus those white walkers are out there and they are pretty much the worst thing since mould.

Erotic Novel

As the Captain directed the ship with his strong, muscular arms, his long blonde hair blowing in the salty sea air, Sister Mary Margaret crept out from below to gaze upon the man that had rescued her. As she watched as he navigated the vessel through the treacherous waters, feelings crept upon her that she had never felt before. With every turn of the ships wheel her lust for the Captain grew and grew. It was fortunate that they were the only two aboard the vessel at the time, as her rosy red cheeks were a key giveaway to the embarrassment that she felt as her salty sea clam began to moisten. With some hesitation, but drawn by her immense lust for the man that had saved her life, she unbuttoned the top three buttons on her blouse to allow her chest cannons to breathe, and swaggered over to The Captain with a false confidence that would have fooled the greatest judges in all the land. The Captain turned and their eyes met. Her salty sea clam went from moist to "Clean Up in Aisle 5" with the simultaneous connection of their eyes. The Captain, who was incredibly handsome and romantic, as well as strong, walked away from the ship's wheel without a second thought and greeted Sister Mary Margaret with a passionate kiss. As God cried, Sister Mary Margaret slowly took the clothes off her rescuer as his picture perfect hair glistened in the sun, poking through the clouds on this overcast afternoon. By now her nipples were on high beam in the fresh sea air, even though her blouse remained fastened to her chest. The Captain, in a show of how good a lover he really was, took all of Sister Mary Margaret's clothes off with the swipe of his left hand. As he took the sight of the very attractive sister in, his one-eyed trouser snake started to stand to attention. In mere seconds it had gone from placid Jack Russel to Angry Pitbull. As it's cycloptic death stare turned its gaze to Sister Mary Margaret she was immediately hypnotised by it, and forgetting all the vows she had made to God and Jesus and the rest of the gang, she knelt down for her hail Mary's and instead proceeded to play hide the slippery sausage in her cheesy taco.......................

That's just a sneak peek of the Erotic Novel, named "My Captain, My Lover". You won't catch it anywhere, let alone good book stores.  

TomKat...noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

With the dramatic Grand Finale of the much loved and truly appreciated LeBatcave blog creeping up on everyone ever so quickly, we'd like to now take the chance to review the absolute living shit out of a couple of things (which haven't been determined as yet as we enter into the body of the text). The End of Days draws nearer much the same as in the Movie Classic "End of Days" starring big Arnie, but unlike Arnie we are not doomed with a pending Apocalypse, or the return of Jesus, or whatever happened in that movie but more so the fact that the internet will have a little less grace and humility once we stop writing these blogs. So here are a few reviews, and other things that have interested our tiny little brains.

The End of TomKat
Well, what a drama. The most loved couple in all of the 15 realms of L.Ron Hubbard's classic fictional tale, Scientology, have parted ways. This is probably the only thing that has made any kind of sense in the past 10 years. Personally, we think it's a little coincidental that the carbon tax was introduced the same day as they split. We smell a rat. But now the planet must turn to poor little Suri who is without her midget father and now has to hang out with her mother, who peaked in about 2001. If you'd like to know how she is feeling, we'd suggest you visit her personal blog Suri's Burn Book. Little is known about why they split, but there has been rumour circulating (possibly starting right here) that Katie was not fond of Tom's inability to reach the top shelf at the supermarket, and also his fantasies of becoming one of Snow White's Seven Dwarves. We find this absurd as he has no trade and would never survive in a coal mine.

Review What to Expect When Your'e Expecting
Starring: Maybe Chris Rock, Maybe other actors?
What Happens: This is a documentary of how easy women have it in the world. These power women make their husbands quit their jobs so that they can go back to work and have meetings about how they can be mad at all the men in the world for no reason. The film follows a few fathers as they potter around the park wiping their children's noses whilst trying to remember their child's name and also how they got into this predicament (not on the pill, is the obvious answer). The women then come home and demand dinner whilst the poor father is trying to look after the dinner and the baby!!! Chris Rock's spirit has been taken away as he breaks into tears and the the film ends.
What we think: To be total honest we never even seen the trailer for this one, we heard someone talking about it and then decided the best way to proceed would be to provoke the feminist quarter of the internet. Calm down ladies, put your bras back on.
Score: "10 Happy Feminists" out of "We've ever actually met one of them let alone 10"

Review MUMU

It's good, go eat there. MUMU. We did and it was delicious. But take your mortgage broker with you as your hip pocket may be taking a battering at the end. Obviously, this money concerns do not trouble us as we reap the financial rewards from writing this garbage.

Review WAQU

It's also good. Potato soup in a martini glass? ahhhhh yes thanks. It is set menu, awesome food, and really nice people explaining what you are eating whilst you sit there and try to figure it out yourself. Often the thing you thought was soem kind of meat was actually some kind of pickled fruit. If you are looking to impress the ladies, as we often are, we suggest you check it out. WAQU

Geez this has been a long one. So we'll end it here whilst we scoot off to drive high spped cars around race tracks.......................on the PS3.

Later y'all.

More tales of woe

Well the weekend is well and truly over and we are only just now getting over our outrageous hangovers incurred at Batcave-a-Palooza. For those of you not in the know, or just weren't invited, we had celebrations at the Crowie to commemorate how outstanding at life we are. This unfortunately resulted in a variety of unfortunate events which will now be elaborated on. On a side note, we would usually get to the bottom of such stories a lot sooner but unfortunately with age comes an inability to handle copious amounts of our own patented drink the "Black Jaffa". Those who know us away from the blogosphere will know that this is the term we use when not intending to start race riots.

Batcave-a-Palooza Round-up

- First of all by the time either of us had even made it back to the cave after destroying opposition in our respective sports, hoodlums had taken over and were sitting on the ottomon and various other places where people would sit, like chairs. They looked glum so we put on a sick playlist and then told them we wouldn't be feeding them, they looked glum again. More people turned up so we decided to go to the crowie. Not before dealing out some Black jaffas to our fans. And that'd where the memories get a little hazy. However this is about the last time one of us seen our keys for a day and a half.

- What kind of night would it be without some City Lemsipper action though. pretty dull. Anyway, thankfully this time he decided to tame down his classic antics and just destroy our drinking utensils.

- The Crowie was alright. the bouncers used their excessive bouncing skills, poor outlook on life and relatively high BMI to make sure that we weren't up to no good. Unfortunately, no good was nearly everyone's middle name. From the Chika who got kicked out because of her elegant stack in between the stage and the speaker, or the Chika who decided to be the first to spew in the Crowie. )Mind you it was in the seedy room that smells like spew, now we know why).

The next day was total death. Like we mean 'Where's the Coolade?" kinda stuff.

Coffee Black and Fringe Monster stayed over for another night. Ate the leftovers and then we had maybe the worst case of fraping on planet Earth. Unless FM is really just into Beastiality, Spanish and reach arounds off college graduates....


A good final celebration was had, and people really appreciated us giving them free drinks. Thanks for everyone that came out to watch Black caviar win with us (Pretty sure we missed that). 

Breakthrough in Science

The end is nigh. Well nigher than last week when we dropped the ultimate bombshell that Le Batcave's days were nearly numbered. Anyway, we were thinking of ways in which we could give an adequate farewell seeing as though we have left a remarkable impression on not only the blogging community of Planet Earth, but also the internet as a whole. In true Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson style, we have created the ultimate bucket list (on a budget). Our Bucket List will be the best way to farewell our man pad which was home (for short periods of time) to numerous babes. We are known for our outlandish list making, and the end of our supremacy will be no different.

Bucket List
- Get way more Babes to come back to our mouldy hellhole.We realise that publicly calling our Man hut a mouldy hell hole will not really entice many awesome babes, we rely on the fact that their are some total sickos out there.
- Go to a places we have not been within a 200m radius. These include Foxtrot, that other place, and those other two places.
- Get a Victoria's Secret Model to acknowledge us on Facebook, or Twitter. We aren't actually on Facebook, so our best bet is Twitter. Rather than hassling them for tickets, we'll just shoot for a hello and a picture of their boobs.
- Review more things that mean nothing. Stay posted over the coming weeks for non-stop reviewing of not only movies but food, washing machines, the Weather and locations, names and other things that we think of when we are hungover.

We better not set too many goals, because that will draw us closer to failure. Which is not an option!!!

In other news, the Crowie will hold what will be the least impressive gathering of minds since the 2011 Nobel Prize, this Saturday. We will endevour to take incriminating photos of all party guests and then post them on this blog, as a WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!

Urgent and Horrifying News Story

The Batcave is ending.

The reign of terror is coming to a halt as one of the members is turning back to his Mexican heritage. As such, this begins the countdown to the "End of Days". And luckily as well because we are running out of things to write about.

Anyway, we don't want to dwell on this devastating news for too long, so we will move right ahead into more outstanding blogging. Mainly pictures this time because our creative juices are not flowing, mainly due to the fact we are not incredibly hungover this Saturday (Shocking, we know).


Side Salads in Penrith

$3 well spent..................

Irate Cab Drivers

Cab Drivers are a funny bunch. They are either happy, or genuinely frustrated with how their lives have panned out (thus why they are driving cabs). Last night we had a very pleasurable experience with one of those cab drivers that is entirely ecstatic with the way his life has panned.

After enjoying a delicious meal of Thai food, we hopped in a cab to take us back to an unidentifiable location  outside the general area of the Batcave. The cab driver did not speak a word the whole time, which to be honest, was fine, because we were tired and the usual small talk encountered would have just been depressing. Anyway the real action started when the it was time to pay the moolah. This experience will be summarised in point form:

• The fare was $33.50, we only had a $50, the cab driver (in customer service) had no change. He asks if we could pay by card because he doesn't have the change so we agree to pay via card.
• Paying by card means we pay an extra 10%. This is total bullshit. Why should we have to pay extra because the cab driver hasn't got the right change? We ask him this. This is when he goes from passive driver to totally angry man. 
• Angry Man is now yelling at us to pay the extra money because the machine that makes the transaction is not his. We say we aren't paying the extra. He starts demanding. Anyway, at this stage, our travel companion has swaggered back to the cab and has now instigated a verbal war with Angry Man. This results in Angry Man getting angrier.
• Eventually, through our powers of passive persuasion we talk him into giving us $20 change. Which means he lost $3. But the best thing that come out of this guys mouth was this. When yelling at our lady colleague,"Shut-up you stupid Woman". 
• Now, we try and remain tolerant of idiots and people who think they know more than us. But this guy was the biggest, angriest idiot we have ever met. But his judgement of women is ridiculous. We are all about the babes, we wonder what he would have called the Victoria's Secret models? He has probably never even watched any of the runway specials, and for that, he should be deported with his angry attitude.

We won't get all racial, but we are pretty sure that guys name was Angry Aladdin.  

And that is rant complete. 

Things you may find in Railway Lines

As you all know, you find things in the last place where you look. Whoever left their dildo/vibrator on the railway track is going to have a hell of a time, firstly, remembering where they put it, and then retrieving it. We were in Blacktown, so the suspects of whom has committed this horrific crime, are pretty much narrowed down to anyone who was lined up outside Centrelink this morning.

So kids, if in some sort of fit of passion you decide to thrust your vibrator skywards in glee, make sure you aren't standing next to a railway line, or better yet, laying in the railway line.

You may have noticed there is a lot of Blacktown bashing going on, and this will continue until such a time as work no longer needs to be carried out there.

The Day After Yesterday Three Days Ago

The main problem with Winter is that it is nothing short of the worst thing ever. Fortunately we have formulated a plan in order to combat the winter chill and because we are just stand-up guys, we will share our knowledge bombs with you now.

1. Stay inside. We will assume that most of you reading have a roof over your heads (even though those beggars in the city seem to be doing quite well for themselves, although we are yet to see them carrying around I-Pads) and therefore this step is applicable to you. No matter what, stay inside! Do not go to work, we cannot emphasize this enough. Winter will take it's icy grip on you if you even dare to exit the walls holding up that roof we mentioned previously.

2. Wear a scarf. Heaven forbid you have not heeded our warning and have decided to enter the wintery world. But if you have, don't go looking for an oven to stick your head into, just go buy a scarf, and then wear it. This fashionable accessory is worn by many people, including Victoria's Secret Models and Noble Businessman, so therefore it is unisex and we condone it. Unisex things we don't condone are the leotard and plaits.

3. Don't go West. West = more cold than you already are. West is the devil. If you live on the East Coast your best bet is to hire some kind of sea vessel and head for the North. Continuing East at this latitude will only mean you stay the same deathly temperature, because unfortunately everything is west somewhere.

4. Here is a list of places we especially don't recommend:
- Blacktown: Unfortunately some of us have to work at this Winterish hell hole. In the rain. No, that isn't tears running down our faces from being in Blacktown, that's torrential rain running down our faces from being in Blacktown.
- The Blue Mountains: This should be common sense. It snows up there, but don't take your snowboard because there are no slopes, there is just sleet and runny noses.
- Harris Park: It's just shit

5. Don't pay the Carbon Tax: isn't it supposed to be getting warmer, which means nicer winters?? The people making these rules and taxes obviously don't have beach bodies, and they probably have braces. Stop the boats too, they have something to do with it.

And there you have it, a full proof plan on how to survive Winter. Don't thank us all at once, but we will take gifts and charitable donations in order to kill all the mould in the garage. If mould was worth money, or we were the conveyors of fine cheese, we would be millionaires.

Rock of Ages Review

Review: Rock of Ages
Starring: Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, C. Zeta-Jones, other people who sing and dance
What Happens: Like your "Glee" and your "High School Musical" this movie focus' on how to annoy audiences by continuously stopping to sing and dance instead of developing story lines through the use of monotonic dialogue. Tom Cruise plays the greatest music guy on the planet, and is therefore spending half his time doing drugs on top of women, and the other half doing women on top of musical instruments. Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin are couple of promoters who want Tom to play at the club(which has previously hosted the Wiggles and the Shakespearean play "Othello" where the entire cast were a herd of goats). Zeta-Jones plays a typical woman with menopause and a bad attitude, always nagging and banging on about something, who wants Tom to avoid her hometown because of her aforementioned menopause. She also co-wrote "The Female Eunuch" with Germaine "cranky Pants" Greer. In the end everyone gets together for karaoke and a few wines.
What we think: There is no hope of us watching this. Singing ruined the Lion King, and singing has ruined this movie. There are a couple of hot groupie babes to distract us for at least 9 seconds, but that's about it. Karaoke lovers will be enthused by the sing-a-longs involved.
Score: A washed up lead guitarist out of a washed up 80's Glam Rock band.

Obviously, that was a pretty negative review, but if you'd ingested as much Ibuprofen and Panadol today, your outlook on life would hardly be amazing either.

Also, Winter is upon us, which does not improve the overall depression. Winter was invented by the Roman Emporer, Nero. He thought it was a great idea until he got a bit chilly and couldn't find his coat. That's the real story why he burnt down Rome, because he was cold. Before he invented the season of Winter, there was no such thing as snow or ice, which made life a living hell on a hot day when all a tired slave wanted was an icy cold glass of coke. Instead they had to drink hot mud.

Snow White and The Huntsman Review

Review Snow White and The Huntsman
Starring: Charlize Theron, Thor, K Stew, a pack of angry midgets
What Happens: The classic fairytale comes to life (again) in this non-stop action comedy romance thriller. Charlize Theron is a total babe, but to become a more totally rad babe she must suck the faces off other hot babes who then become middle aged soccer mums. Because Charlize is a bit vain she talks to only two things: her mirror and her murder of crows. Luckily for her, the mirror speaks to her while the crows shit all over her freshly combed hair. The mirror tells Charlize she is a total babe but there is another babe in the order of K Stew. The babe-ness of K Stew is debatable. The mirror has his beer goggles on. Anyway Charlize hires Thor to go find K Stew and force her to eat 1000 apples, which follows the original fairytale. Luckily the film is set in winter time so Thor has to wear extra layers of clothing, this prevents everyone from feeling like they have failed at life. Anyway, K Stew and Thor fall in love, get followed around by 7 angry midgets who are only interested in the coal mining industry and then have a massive battle in the ocean whilst getting dive bombed by a shit tonne of crows. In the end, Thor smashes everyone, K Stew has a moody look on her face, and Charlize turns into a middle aged soccer mum.
What we think: It doesn't look too bad, especially the scene where Charlize gets covered in milk. She does tend to be a bit of a moody bitch though. The midgets are quite fascinating, because they are midgets, and Thor is always a killer dude, and thank the heavens he kept his shirt on.
Score: 5 Midgets out of the 5th Annual Short People Gathering in Miami, Florida

Perth: First World Problems

A lot of people mention to us when they are walking down the street, I'd like to live in Perth. And now, because we have moved on from our days as fashionistas in Milan, we will commence our latest improvement to our blog, a travel segment (in point form of course).

Perth

When: Last weekend, back-end of the middle of May, but not the end.

Why: Because we work for Lonely Planet sometimes. Whether they like it or not.

Things You need to know:

• Every single person in Perth is chilled to the max in the day time. But when night falls, that's when the "Night people" come out to play. You will observe the "night people" when you walk down the street, as the people who have a deranged look in their eyes, a torn t-shirt and are yelling at you with consecutive swear words for no other reason than that you have entered their line of vision. But much like the jungle cats of the Daintree Rain forest, you will survive if you do not make eye contact!! If you do make eye contact, prepare to go 5 rounds in the main street. Then when the sun comes back out, everybody goes back to not caring. And the world is normal again.
• If you are a poor person, you should just go to Centrelink instead, save up your dole cheques, and then one day, you could go to Perth.
• If you have saved up enough dole cheques you should then buy yourself an airline ticket. If you do decide to buy a ticket through Virgin then prepare to be judged and humiliated. The plane on the way back was built by the Wright brothers, and when they constructed their flying contraption they decided to segregate the rich wine drinking people from the people who were drinking Pepsi Max and water. The kicker though is that there were a total of 4 swanks on board, who were cordoned off by a small rope, but they had a toilet all to themselves. The rest of the 200 people on board had one toilet to choose from which was basically located in the cargo hold. 
• Down in Fremantle, this is generally how everyone acts, Bloody Hipsters. In fact, a guy working in a restaurant had a uniform which consisted of him having a rug wrapped around his head. it wasn't that cold.
• Yum Cha is a delicious meal to eat when you have had too many drinks the night before. We would not recommend drinking 25 beers after eating 4.6kg of Yum Cha, for obvious and self explanatory reasons. 

So basically in summary, stay indoors at night time, take out a mortgage, eat Yum Cha, and fly QANTAS.

In our next travel adventure, we will be heading the wilds of Tasmania in search of the ellusive Dodo bird, who some say murdered the last Tasmanian Tiger out of jealousy

Fashion Exclusive

Unfortunately the summer that never was has passed us by and we are moving full steam ahead into a time where the length of the humble skirt is lowered to below the knee and those stupid high cut pants are thrown into the cupboard until festival season rolls around again. But why should they be? In today's glorious update we will take you to the fashion world and tell you about the things, as well dressed gentleman, which are total crimes against the world. In essence we are a formidable Fashion Police

High Cut Shorts
We just spewed in our mouths. We are totally for the fact that the pants are a means of securing half an arse cheek. But we are totally against the fact that they are being used as a way to prop up boobs. If you are going to wear high cut shorts, please make sure that the waist of the shorts are at waist level, not breast level.

If her boobs were bigger, nice bra

Joggers and Jeans
We will walk to the sun without sunscreen on the day this obscene combination becomes fashionable. No offence to anyone out there that thinks that wearing joggers and jeans is awesome, but come on. This combo is mainly worn by people who are after the mobility of joggers and the stylish swagger of jeans. They have given up on finding love, or are very confident that they have found love, and stop caring. At least for the most part the Joggers and Jeans combination has been confined to the Western Suburbs of Sydney (we're looking at you Mt Druitt) and the Frankston area of Victoria, but much like the Cane Toad it may be spreading to regions where people are above board and where normal shoe/jeans combinations are black banned.

This Mountain Lady has since been put down

Top Buttons Done to the Top
When a shirt designer designs a shirt, they only put that extra button at the top because they have way too many buttons. There is no reasonable explanation as to why anyone does up there top button unless they are wearing a tie. Actually, we tell lies, there are two other types of people who can get away with this: Mexican Cartel Members and People who are affiliated with hardcore Gangs. They are also eligible to wear bandannas on their heads. Unless you are in a cartel or a gang, this is a fashion crime. It's basically like committing mass murders. Not as bad as joggers and Jeans however which is like dropping a Nuke on a beautiful island in the South Pacific. People who have fringes tend to pursue this course of fashion, and it's pretty clear from all the fringe monsters that we've met, that they are not very trustworthy and would probably punch a kitten.

Nice hair, slick

And thats about all the fashion we could think of. Because we didn't want to offend anyone we didn't really mention chicks who are "larger than life" wearing pants which are "not as large as life" but we are too nice to drop to those levels of blogging. On a positive note, we will be designing some articles of clothing for the Next Big Fashion Show in Milan. You can be rest assured that there will be no Joggers with Jeans.

Prometheus review

Movie Review

Prometheus
Starring: Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender, Couple of other people, some Aliens
What Happens: For centuries now, an alien race has been handing out party invitations to humans to come to their planet for night of boozing and BBQs. Unfortunately no one has been smart enough to realise that these party invitations have been handed out. This all changes when two super smart humans discover that they have been invited to the Alien party and fortunately for them the Aliens still let them attend, even though they missed the RSVP date by 3000 years. So the humans get some friends together, buy a keg from the Bottlo, organise between them to buy crisps and other party foods, get into their spaceship, (which is called Prometheus) and then make the journey to the party. The story then follows that the Aliens are really angry that the humans are late for the party and have turned the happy party atmosphere into a scene reminiscent of Alien, and eat their faces. This leaves a bad taste in everyones' mouth, especially the Aliens because human tastes horrible unless marinated overnight.
What we Think: It is such a refreshing change in a movie where the Aliens don't come to Earth to murder everyone. These humans are totally in the wrong. it is so annoying when people don't say whether or not they are going to be somewhere, so serves them right. We don't understand why the aliens keep inviting the humans to their party, but women are hard enough to understand, let alone a totally different Alien species
Would we go see it: It does look pretty good. Ridley Scott directed it, and it's his first Science Fiction movie since Gladiator. 25 Spaceships out of a Fleet of 34 Spaceships

Bicycles: Natures Death Traps

Whilst we don't condone the riding of bicycles for fun as a legitimate thing to do, some of our allies rather enjoy taking part in the strenuous aspects of life. The demonic bicycle was invented by Graham Oliver Farthing in 1962 as a mode of transport to the afterlife, much the same as Alexander Graham Bell had invented the telephone to talk to dead people. Both would be turning in their graves at the thought of what their inventions have become. The reason we are dropping this knowledge bomb on you is awareness. Yes, you read correctly, awareness. We have taken to being quite morally adept in our old age and now carry out public service announcements on here rather than just blowing your minds with movie reviews and stories of people who invade our cave (refer to Sex Offenders and Chicks). The following, in our favoured point form, are the repercussions of riding bicycles:

1. You get hit by cars. This is true and not exaggerated. if you ride your bicycle on the road you will definitely be struck by a motor vehicle. In the interests of public safety you should ride, if you really have to, on the footpath at all times, and have a little bell attached to your handlebars so when pedestrians walk into your bike zone you can tell them to move.

2. Magpies hate only two things; Children and Bike riders. If you are a bike riding child you will die from Magpie attacks. It is a known fact that children are most likely to be swooped if they have a helmet on, and that Magpies will not attack if the cyclist is riding in heavy traffic. The moral of that story, don't wear a helmet in heavy traffic if you are a child.

3. No body will love you if you wear Lycra. this includes your mothers. Ladies, it's not OK to have a 5 inch camel toe. Dudes, it's not OK to have a division sign. Lycra should be kept for intimate hours int he bedroom, or if you are at an 80's aerobic class.

4. Obese kids should not be encouraged to do exercise on a bicycle. They look stupid and they have poor balance leading to more reasons for them to be bullied by athletic children. In terms of what Obese children should do, STOP EATING CUPCAKES.

In all seriousness, one of our Batcave allies was struck down by the flu whilst riding his bike to work today, and by flu we mean an Asian lady driving a Toyota Celica. One of us had to use our full hectic First Aid skills to sew him back together, which is a definite bonus if you ever decide to join us for some quiet drinks with friends. He is ok, but his bicycle was swooped by magpies and could not be recovered.

Stay tuned for foreign correspondant, City Lemsipper in the coming weeks aswell. Nothing but exclusives at this blog.

Jessica Simpson Baby News

Good Afternoon.

"The Kony kids are lucky they don't have to watch the apprentice" - Guest

Jessica Simpson has had a baby girl named MAXWELL. Yes, you read correctly, her girl has a boys name that hasn't be used since the creation of lovable Agent 86, Maxwell Smart. This doesn't really phase us, because we really don't care about Jessica Simpson or her southern accent. Our problem emanates from what happened during the course of her 15 month pregnancy. She had artistic nudes taken. Whilst this may not concern most of you, we are concerned for the children, and in this case MAXWELL. MAXWELL has to grow up at some point and the poor dear is going to have to see photos of her naked pregnant mother. The one saving grace is that the photograph is photo shopped to the nines which makes up for Jessica looking like a disheveled, overfed Banshee.  The images are just too graphic to put up on this blog site.

On the other hand, Alessandra is pregnant. She can get away with her artistic nudes because she is a total babe. Cudos to whoever manged to get her in the sack and then wnt one step further and subbed her pill out for tic tacs.



Movie Review
The 5 Year Engagement
Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segal
What happens: As the title suggests, this film revolves around the the two main stars being engaged for a period of 5 years, and it is quite a hoot. The film is actually a 5 hour masterpiece where each year of their engagement is given an hour to formulate the appropriate plot lines. It basically follows that they are first off in love, then they movie to some snow covered area, possibly Canada. This is where the trouble starts when Segal's character falls hopelessly in love with Blunt's Mother and Grandmother, and Blunt's character must turn to hunting bears in the wilderness. For the two years following they both travel there seperate paths, Blunt being a Big Game hunter in the wild safaris of Africa and Segal just follows Blunt's Grandma around hoping to catch a glimpse of her saggy granny cans. The film then meanders through dialogue until the two are back together.
What we Think: Jason Segal is hilarious for a 6ft 4inch monster. Emily Blunt is a total babe. It looks alright, take your girlfriends, or if you are wooing a babe, take her after a delicious meal
Score: 3 years of engagement out of a 12 year marriage followed by divorce

And yes, we are back to rating randomly, bugger frothing and we've had too many bad experiences with spew lately to even consider that

Ok, later homies

T for Tom

We've seen some stupid things in our day, but this is one of the stupidest

On a positive note, we know this guy and he has definitely improved his knowledge of the fundamental aspects of Wheel of Fortune and is now on his way to trying to get on the Millionaire Hot Seat. We don't expect too much.

Woolworths: The Fresh Food People

Generally speaking, we all go to the supermarket to buy our fruit and vegetables as we are less likely to have grown them ourselves. It's funny to think that we laugh at the Amish for having the ability to construct barns in mere seconds and to grow and then harvest their own food, but then remember if it got to a point where we had to become self sufficient we would all just die or eat a shit tonne of canned beets. So because we wouldn't know when to plant a tomato plant, let alone know what to do with it, it's the supermarket for everyone!! In Australia there are two main competitors who basically control the majority of the supermarket patronage, these being Coles and Woolworths. Due to our detrimental laziness, we shop at the local Woolworths at Crows Nest because it is literally 100m away from the illustrious Batcave. The only other choices we have are some hippy show down the road that sells turnips with dirt still on them, Franklins, which everyone knows is like shopping in a 3rd World Country or Thomas Dux, which is totally the fanciest place on Earth (the staff wear aprons). And here starts our massive rant which will be carried out in point form because, well, we love bullet points.

• Woolworths at Crows Nest, as with every other Woolworths in the country, claim to be the "Fresh Food People". The problem with saying ridiculous things like that, is that everyone believes it. The only thing that's fresh in the fruit and vegie section is the mould growing on the tomatoes. If we wanted to see mould, we'd go hang out in our garage more often. Unfortunately we have not garnered photographic evidence of the mould, but the beauty of Crows Nest Woolies is that we can go there anytime and see it. Hooray!!!
• Thomas Dux is a shop for fancy rich people. Thomas Dux is around the corner from Woolworths. Thomas Dux has a better selection of Fruit and Vegetables. Thomas Dux is more expensive than Woolworths. Thomas Dux is Owned by Woolworths. See the problem?
• Aesthetically speaking, if you ever want to feel like your growing up in the early 90's again, take a trip to Crows Nest Woolworths. This time machine will even have the logo used many many years ago, so you feel like you can home and play with your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and have a hot milo. We are surpirsed they have heard of EFTPOS

That's basically the three main First World Problems that we have. At the moment! We understand that we could shop somewhere else, but then we'd have to drive, which means we are killing the environment. So we are saving the environment by eating mould. Good on us. We are so socially responsible (remember when we tried to find Kony? Classic Us)

Anyway to finish off, a shout out to  good friend of Le Batcave, City Lemsipper. Unfortunately he has blown out an ACL playing AFL, or destroying someone elses kitchen, it could be either. Get Well Soon

Chicks......

Chicks are sweet. For the most part anyway. They are sweet up until the point they start disgracing themselves with grand ideas of being able to drink copious amounts of alcohol and not be affected by it. The tales we are about to tell are true, the names have been changed to protect their privacy from the millions of prying eyes reading this update. Keep in mind that we allow these cheekas to be our friends, but with the events of last night/this morning, they are skating on some seriously thin ice, like we mean wafer thin ice. Anyway, please continue reading and have a lovely day.

Episode One: The Saturday Night

Generally we encourage having a few sneaky beverages to relax the body and mind. There is a clear cut difference between being relaxed and being so "relaxed" that you can't stand up or talk properly. There were three phases to Cheeka #1's fall from grace. Phase 1 started at approximately 6pm with Vodka Cranberries. Phase 2 started at 10pm, and it was the beginning of the end. In between Phase 1 and 2 the key ingredient to the demise was Vodka, friend to the Russians, enemy to the cheeka. By the time Phase 2 rolled around the ability to co-ordinate simple walking, which had been learned as a 2 year old (Or however old children start walking), had been replaced by more of a crab-walk/falling walk and a rather poor attitude towards anyone visible. Phase 2 ended with being denied entry into one of our favourite local haunts, The Argyle. Commence Phase 3 aka the Apocalypse. Phase 3 will be summarised in point form.

1. Get Cheeka into taxi. Harder than you think when said Cheeka has lost co-ordination skills. Convince taxi driver that she'll be fine and to take us back to Le Batcave in record time.
2. Good news, we made it to Le Batcave. Bad News, we parked 50m from the entrance to the cave so therefore it has to take half an hour to get there. The main time constraint was stopping to walk up gutters (5mins per gutter) and stopping to have sneaky spews in hair and on ground (20mins)
3. Le Batcave entered. Get girly a drink of water to help the sobering process, this is met with general disgust and filthy looks. Put cheeka in bed, get beer from fridge and sit down for a quiet night of documentary viewing.
4. 5mins later. cheeka is out of bed and now spewing, in the dark, in the sink. After turning on the light so she could at least see where she was spewing, a considerate "Are you alright?" was met with a "Do I look alright?" then accusations that lovable Batcaver didn't care anyway before proceeding to throw lovable batcavers toothbrush into spew. (Definite Highlight)
5. Put cheeka back to bed. After watching great documentary decide to clamber into bed, for some reason, with the spew machine only to be told in no uncertain terms that she had now claimed the bed as her own and lovable batcaver should move on. 
6. After several hours of sleeping on the ground, lovable batcaver is awoken by the pitter patter of feet. Cheeka was back out of bed and inquiring why batcaver was on the floor and he should come back to bed. 
7. Wake up in morning to find spew on the floor next to the bed, and in the bed. Good times.

And that ended Phase 3. What an exciting night. But guess what? because we are great gentleman, the other part of the dynamic duo had his own stories about a lovely cheeka who lost her mind (It wasn't even a full moon)

Episode 2: Sunday Morning

Fortunately for the second half of the Batcave, Phase 2 didn't end in denied access to the Argyle, and Phase 1 was also completed at the same time as the first cheeka, at the same place, so it is quite a social query as to how one of them ended up shit-bombed earlier than the other one. Maybe we should do a study on that? But we probably shouldn't. Anyway, all phases were put on hold until the Sunday morning, when all those vodka cranberries and the human bodies general disgust with the the over consumption of alcohol reached boiling point. Basically there is only one story in the this episode:

1. After making it out of bed to have some breakfast, the two lovers went down to the breakfast buffet to eat some scrumptious food. This was fine. The part that is worth mentioning happened after 9 floors of vertical travel and a 12 metre walk, the lady wasn't feeling too well. Immediately. So after doing the old hand over the mouth, tilt head back manoeuvre, luckily there was a hotel cleaners wheelie bin nearby that had some clean towels. And that very towel remained clean for another 2 seconds. From there it was a quick dash to the hotel bathroom and once again, apocalyptic conditions.

So, that was our weekend, what great times we have. Luckily for these women, we enjoy their company because they are both nice and beautiful, but that can only get you so far. we aren't nurses, and we don't enjoy cleaning up things that come from places not outside the human body.

Going to Summer Bay High, and not Lithgow

Home and Away is a television show on the Seven Network, and has been around for at least 70 years. It was around before the invention of television as a travelling musical that played to small theatres all across Sydney. Even though it has been on for that long, we have never watched a full episode.......until last night. Due to the township of Lithgow being an absolute dick hole, we were unable to find feasible entertainment, especially in the good looking women department. On a side note, if anyone knows why Lithgow is such a depressing hole, please inform us as Karaoke was dead!!!! Luckily we know how to sing Kissed by a Rose fairly well and were able to entertain the townsfolk that were present, which we named Chubbs, Tat Rat, and Toothless George. But we digress, back to Home and Away. The only thing that we can say is that we wished we went to Summer Bay High (if that's even what it's called) during our schooling as there was not a single unattractive school girl there (we say this in the most innocent, non-pedo way possible). Also, the guy who was getting all the babes looked like a total gimp with a stupid fringe, and not a cool hipster fringe, one of those fringes that Norman Bates wore. Instead of reviewing a movie this post, we will summarise this one single episode of Home and Away which we watched on mute, just to make things clearer for us.

Home&Away: Season 67 Episode 9: Trying to Pick up Babes without a Surfboard
Summary: There were two smoking hot babes at some sort of kiosk having a cup of coffee, presumably talking about where the rips are located on the beach, or how much they enjoy talking to surfers. That went on for a bit. Then there was these other two chicks, who were obviously supposed to be sitting their HSC, but were off trying to help this fringe monkey try to pick up this other girl who was also at the kiosk. We think that the two hotties with fringy were trying to make the other one jealous, that's what we would have done if we were local youngsters at the kiosk. Fringy is obviously a bit shy (which will get babes anyway) and when he talks to the girl that isn't the other two girls, she walks off to do some schoolwork. Fringy looks sad. Cut scene.
In another part of Summer Bay, at a swing set there is this short kid and this other EMO girl who wears mittens in summer. They are both swinging talking about their sex lives, which, Thank the Lord, are non-existent because they are literally 12 years old!! This goes on for a while until they make out all awkwardly because it is their first time and they don't know what they're doing. Cut Scene.
Back to Fringy who is now standing in a garden talking to this other person (who could be either male or female, we don't remember) and then he starts taking off his clothes. Medically, we think he has had a nervous breakdown. Realistically, he just didn't get the babe he was after and was just really sad, so took all his clothes off. Mind you, he has somehow convinced all these chicks to hang out with him, and like him, so we have no idea why he is standing nude in a garden by the ocean, and not standing outside their windows, nude. Cut Scene

What we thought: The first thing we noticed about this particular episode of Home and Away, was the absence of old racism enthusiast Alf Stewart.  We assume he was in his rape dungeon, prepping. Find Out More Here. Honestly, who cares, we won't be watching anymore because it makes us sad that Fringe Monsters with mental issues get to hang out with smoking hot babes. We can do it in real life, in Le Bat Cave.

So now you're updated on that. And just to add on, we do not advocate for any reason travelling to Lithgow. Even though we made good friends with the Pub Owner, there were zero babes!!! Apparently Chelsea left to go to Newcastle and she was the last of the Mohicans as it were.

The Avengers, Battleship: Reviewed

In order to streamline our reviewing process, rather than giving a score or whatever we have been doing, from now on a movie's likability will be based on either two feelings. We will be either frothing, or spewing. Obviously if we like it, we will be frothing and if we don't, spewing. If we have no feelings one way or the other than we will just say something extraordinary. David and Margaret will be turning in their graves....when they die. So without further delay, here are out latest round of reviews  


Avengers
Starring: Iron Man, ScarJo, Thor, The Hulk, Captain America, Samuel L
What Happens: Unfortunately for Planet Earth, they are under attack from some kind of pissed off Alien race, (According to Hollywood, we piss off A LOT of alien races and we get invaded more often than a Mexican jumps the border) so it is up to this bunch of lovable misfits to save the human race. Which in all honestly should not be that difficult considering they have Thor, the Norse God of Thunder. He is super buff and has general swagger. This means that he does most of the work and everyone else tries to bust sweet moves on ScarJo who is looking totally babe-alicious in her super tight leather get-up. In fact, that's why the aliens have invaded, to try and bust moves on ScarJo, but unfortunately for all alien races in every movie ever, they are ugly and have rubbish personalities. Even their mothers don't love them. In the end, of course, because we aren't dead, the Avengers avenge and ScarJo goes out on a date Samuel L because he's the boss.
What we think: This seems like a watchable movie, brains will be turned off and popcorn devoured. ScarJo is hot as, so on that basis alone we are FROTHING

Battleship
Starring: John Carter of Mars, Liam Neeson, Rhianna, A couple of Tugboats
What Happens: Whilst traversing the ocean, a giant cruise ship filled Naval Soldiers on there day off literally runs over a body in the water. Accusing each other of murder, this mystery/thriller shows the investigation of every single person on the cruise ship at the time of the "incident". What follows is a teenage sex romp involving once again, pissed off aliens. This time these aliens have big ships which they have parked on the bottom of the ocean, which in our opinion would be the best place to hide, ever. The biggest dilemma the sex fueled teens have confronting them is what kind of bullets they are going to use to shoot the hapless aliens. The aliens are generally disgruntled throughout and this shows when they throw their alien shredding machines into Seattle, home of the Sonics. We don't really know what the stars of the movie are doing, but they constantly look bewildered and look like they've been playing in the mud eating worms.
What we think: This is transformers without Megatron. It's a mixture between Waterworld, Transformers, Downton Abbey, Fast and the Furious and Survivor. It is also a good opportunity not to think about the GFC and they price of renting in Sydney. Also, as an added bonus, Rhianna is a sexy naval officer who is out for a good time, she's sexy. This makes us happy.  We are FROTHING.

And that's about it, we still are none the wiser of who One Direction are apart from the fact that they come from Great Britain and they aren't Take That.

One Direction and a story about Nazis

We don't understand teenage girls. We didn't understand them when we were teenage boys, and we don't understand them now we are fully grown alpha males. The latest episode in our overall bemusement of the way teenage girls go on about things is One Direction. Let's sort this out using bullet points

• One Direction are some sort of band that made teenage girls cry. One girl said, "I can't help crying because they are so handsome". She is a Certified Idiot. We don't really know why she was crying, over even who these One Direction guys are, so just picture the looks on our faces right now
• These band members got together because individually they sucked the proverbial fat one, but as a merry gang they can make the Cheekas as wet as damp sponges. The only problem with this is that most of these teenage girls lining up in the cold, dead set frothing, are in fact not street legal. They are not any kind of legal. So One Direction, whilst on the outside seem to have secured a life time of trim in about 9 minutes, have in fact scored none, unless they are deviates, which we are not implying.
• WHO THE FUCK ARE ONE DIRECTION?????? Whilst we regularly tune into the news to catch up on the latest war atrocities and check out the economy, this one totally slipped under our radar. Just like Beiber did. We still don't know what Beiber sings. If Beiber and One Direction get together for a Christmas Album we will be totally confused. 

So, Thats our A Current Affair moment on that one. Next we'll be talking about shonky builders feeding the poor bread crumbs!!

In an unrelated topic, we wrote a Childrens book. Currently we are in negotiations to get this published. It's rhyming scheme is revolutionary and we think that children all around the world will learn some valuable life lessons when they read it. We heard the next Dr Suess being bounced around the publishers office.....So look forward to the future.

Whilst many of you sleep tonight,
hopefully all of you will not awake with a fright,
as even though your dreams aren't true
some of them will make you blue
A story for you is now what I'll tell
Involving a duck, some Nazis and a spell
Our story will start with a skip, a jump and a few lines of rhyme
but that is all over, and all in good time
Gareth Von Duck vs The Nazis
Once upon a time in the south of Germany lived a cute little duck and his "Oh So Cute" little family. They lived
in a pond that was void of contempt, all of their duck friends were friends with their freinds. But trouble was
afoot, and it was not of their doing, and in no time at all they were all spewing. The Nazis had come and occupied their
pond with out even asking, so it was up to Gareth to get the ball rolling.
On a warm summers eve, when the Nazis all partied Gareth snuck up and he started quacking,
With a flap, a punch and a kick to the nads, the General was down as were the rest of the lads. The Germans ran off,
with their tails between their legs, Gareth Duck had taken revenge. But that was not the end of Gareths little story,
as what happened next is written in History. Gareth grabbed an eye of newt, a puppy dogs tail, a bowl full of ice cream
and a glass of Pale Ale. He combined them all into a rich lather than said the magic words with out so much as a
stutter
"Be Gone, Be Gone, You Stupid Nazis, Higgle-di-di, Vom Vom Bazoo"
And at that very second, when he'd finished his spell, the Nazis all turned to each other and let out a yell!
The spell that was performed was to turn the Nazis into Snails! So as they all transformed around the pond, Gareth,
his family and friends started to smile. They flew around picking up Nazis with glee as now the tables had turned
and the ducks had gone on a killing spree.
So what was the point of this delightful child's tale? And why am I still ryhming, its making me go pale. The point children
is to always respect what isn't yours, you can always share but never steal. Especially from a duck who hates Nazis.

Jesus wasn't a Magician

At the end of this Easter Long Weekend we thought it would be a reasonable time to reflect on the past 4 days, and judge whether or not it was worth not going to work for The Man.

Easter Thursday Night

These days, any chance we get to destroy our liver and brain cells we oblige, and this Easter Thursday Night was no different. After finishing work for our respective Slave Masters we headed into the darkness of Potts Point. We expected to be greeted with friendliness, instead we were greeted by rudeness. Generally speaking, we are pretty tolerable of fat-assed chickas with poor attitudes, but this time it was different. All we will say is we hope she didnt realise we put all her possessions in her bar fridge. After we had the pleasure of hanging out with Wombo, we got back to where we feel the most at home, and everyone is nice, The Crowie!!

Good Friday

More like Worst Hangover Ever Friday. We were supposed to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed and venture back to the Holy Land (Maitland, not Jerusalem) for an Easter Getaway. Not much happened this day besides naps and sleeps.

Easter Saturday

By now Jesus had been put into his Man Cave, and we were out Boating and Beaching. This led into an evening of quiet drinks with friends and early morning Kebabs. Other stuff probably happened as well, but we were back in Newcastle, so it was mostly just trying to drink as much as we could so we would forget we were in Newcastle. 

Easter Sunday

As a mark of respect to Jesus, Mary, Pontius Pilot (Cool Name/Shit Dude) and that Donkey in the Palm Sunday story, we laid around and did nothing. This was refreshing as our poor Livers were in Lockdown from Easter Thursday Night.

Easter Monday

Nothing has happened. Tomorrow is back to the grindstone. Jesus has left the building. We got out of Maitland Alive. We didn't pick up any babes. But we are now back to LeBatcave where we can once again enjoy our lives in peace.

Also, add us on Twitter for no other reason than we are glory hunters who want 1,000,000 followers. Tell anyone you know with the internet. LeBatcave 2013!! We don't really know of any Kony-type Warlords because we are apart of the misinformed majority, but if you read our blog and spread the world all your wildest dreams will come true.  

 

 

Dating Advice

Recently we installed a super secretive email address where our devoted fans could write to us without being scrutinised by the public for actually reading this tripe. And we have had some glowing feedback about how good we really are. Unfortunately, there has also been some questions, like life questions. Someone, we'll call him "ScrillexFan22", has got it through their head that we are some kind of Google-esque "What Women Want" Search Engine. Luckily for him, we know everything about women.....................There were a number of questions posted, so we will run through them one-by-one. We did actually do this along time ago, back in our glory days of October 2011, but allegedly this "ScrillexFan22" isn't a true follower and hasn't read every single post that we have posted. Prepare for some wisdom here, and ladies, you can thank us later for all the lovely things that may come from this.

1. I'm really shy, and want to ask the smoking hot babe across the room out for dinner, I've never spoken to her but she seems nice. What should I do? - ScrillexFan22

Well, let's not beat around the bush, chicks totally dig shy guys. According to TV shows, women go to Gay Bars constantly to avoid being hit on by super confident and good looking dudes, whilst at the same time being told how good those shoes look and "I wish I had that dress". So keep being shy. The next step is to become Facebook friends with her, you should do your research first however and make sure that you both like EXACTLY the same things. For example, if she loves pony's, you are the worlds biggest fan of pony's. Once you have befriended her and charmed her beyond belief, as your Facebook alter ego is a totally smooth operator, then it's time to cook her dinner and bring it to her desk around 3pm. It will show that you can cook, and you are worried she is not eating a proper meal. And from here you can both get married.

2. I've been dating this girl for the last week, but she hasn't returned my phone calls or texts from our first date one week ago, is there something wrong? - ScrillexFan22

Absolutely not, you should keep ringing until she answers. She probably just forgot to answer her phone and reply to her texts because she had to brush her hair or something. be persistent, go to her house if need be and leave a freshly baked pie on her doorstep. She will love it and you will be going for date two almost immediately.

3. My new Girlfriend has taken out an AVO against me, but she only walked into a door. How can I get around this situation so I can smell her hair again? - ScrillexFan22

We aren't lawyers but it seems to us that she is just clumsy. Maybe cheer her up by baking a pie and putting it on her doorstep. if all else fails hire an orchestra to play love ballads to her while you serenade her with your beautiful voice (If you don't have a beautiful voice, just play her some songs by Seal).

4. Where should I bury a body? - ScrillexFan22

We don't know what this has to do with dating, but we assume that you have had a beloved pet die recently, possibly some kind of bird, and need to hold a ceremony. The best place would be in your backyard under an old tree. Its very pleasant and it means you can be with them all the time. Another alternative is to put the body on some sort of floating object, a Nordic boat carved out of a big oak tree will suffice, cover it in straw, twigs and some petrol, then fire arrows at it which have been lit on fire. It would be better to have the boat in the water before the fire starts.

5. Do you know any good lawyers? - ScrillexFan22

No

So there you have it, another crisis averted by us here at LeBatcave. You can now catch us on twitter, even though all we do is stalk celebrities to find out if they are in our area at any given time. Thanks for reading, keep those questions rolling in and we will endeavour to answer them all.

Beef

Here's our beef with this stupid movie, Batman & Robin.

Alfred is 107. Alfred's niece, Alicia Silverstone is 20. Assuming Alfred's Mother (who would be around the age of 177 if she didn't die of the common cold) gave birth to Alfred sister within a plausible time frame of 10 years, Alicia Silverstone's Mum would have given birth to Alicia Silverstone at the age of 97!! or 117 if she was Alfred's elder sister.

Here's our beef with old people:

We think the dawn of the social media generation has warped all the minds of the Baby Boomers who keep claiming that they weren't like that when they were growing up. Facebook has made all these oldies catch Alzheimer's and forget what they did as children. It's unfortunate that the social commentators and politicians were massive nerdburgers and didn't get invited to cool parties, because then, they'd be all about the parties. We are all about the parties, unfortunately we cannot host a party in a room that can house 11 people. Imagine if 2000 showed up! We would run out of punch.

When Shrieking Babes strike at 2am

We had come to believe since the beginnings of the Batcave that we had settled in a nice neighbourhood, where John Howard goes for his morning walk and the only signs of crime are from the amount of foliage entering our gutters. But alas, it is not true. After the events of last weekend, which we thought were all just a distant fond memory, there comes a new hellish story. Last night there was an all new event for us to write about. Fortunately for you all it does not include copious amounts of kitchen sex. We assume that the behaviour over the last few weeks has something to do with the moon, for no particular reason, but for our sakes we hope it stops so we can return to our normal lives of drinking and watching hilarious TV programs.

Basically, the setout of the Batcave has one side fronting the neighbours abode, whilst the other side is basically in a little alcove where nothing of note happens. all the good stuff happens next door, and last night was no exception. Usually there is some Tomfoolery of the drunk babe type, with a little bit of noise which seems to wither away as the night goes on. But we will begin our story at 1:53am, when we were awoken with the sounds of conversation

1:53am: Apart from the usual screams of delight coming from the Crowie, there were a few other sounds emanating from the night last night. Distinctively, it was drunk drivel. And it was coming from next door. It sounded like a hobo had began door knocks, with the sounds coming from his mouth not actually being words but more just drunk ramblings, but we assume he was trying to sell vacuum cleaners to our next door neighbours. Unfortunately for him, he was trying to sell his vacuum cleaners to the Po Po.

1:56am: Shrieks. Piercing Shrieks fill the air. Just a drunk babe, God only knows what she was banging on about, but she sounded like she was involved in the vacuum cleaner sales, and she was a very aggressive saleswoman. On a side note, judging from her shrieks we thought she was about 5'4 brunette hot babe.

2:01am: Screaming. Piercings Screams of "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" fill the air. This was repeated every 3-4 seconds as the Portly blonde woman was being thrown into the back of the paddywagon. To her credit she did resist like a Sri Lanken Militant, but in the end she was thrown in. But that didnt stop her from trying to kick her way out.

2:03am: After witnessing these events through the window (like a 75 year old neighbourhood watch candidate) and the crowd which had gather dispersed, the hood was back to it's normal self with rainbows and freshly cut meadows rolling down the hill. The Po Po had saved the day and we were all safe again


Just another night in Compton.

Also, the awkward moment you find relatives on Youtube

When Sex Offenders strike at 2am

Unfortunately this post will be quite vulgar. It will contain explicit detail on why the Batcave's premier seating location will be burnt to the ground, and why the kitchen needs to be bleached beyond recognition.

Here is a step by step timeline of the events that concluded in a Batcave that resembles more of a brothel than a home.

12:30am: Batcavers and colleagues arrive home, after a wholesome night of rugby, followed by innocent loitering in a Paddington pub.
1:00am: Bedtime, Hooray!!!
2:00am: All hell broke loose. City Lemsipper, Little Green Door and accomplice arrive with partying in their hearts and vodka in their hands.  People were woken and the peace was broken as bedrooms were invaded in a Kony style rampage.
3:17am: This is the time when the sex offenders decided it was high time to stop drinking and start fucking.  The foreplay started with sock puppetry, which soon evolved to sex in various locations around the Batcave, including sex on top of my business sock.  The kitchen is now called the Sex Forest, the nice lounge is now the Sex Dump, and the bathroom; Sex Hell.
3:45am: Little Green Door was spotted crawling from the kitchen in her birthday suit, looking lost and confused.  In a daze, she was handed a shirt to cover her shame. City Lemsipper was also spotted prowling around in his underwear looking for his next victim; a scene reminiscent of the famous Big Foot footage.
4:17am: After an hour of frivolity and desecration, the sex romp rolled into the bathroom.  We barricaded our bedroom doors and sat in fear, as the sound of witchcraft and wizardry reverberated through the walls - the clickety clack of heels and cackling laughter of City Lemsipper chilled us to the bone.
4:40am: The sex offenders left, not before the kitchen was a declared war zone and the microwave was no longer fit for cooking.

Thanks for coming over gronks.

9:00am: Not knowing if it was all just a horrible nightmare, we awoke to find the couch covered in dirty sex rags.  Jizz and squirt covered the floor - not a surface was spared.   Basically our family home looking all kinds of fucked up.

9:30am: Went to breakfast to discuss why we have great friends.

And that's about it. City Lemsipper........you menace. But on a positive note for you, you have been awarded the Batcave Merit Star of Excellence for gathering all the ingredients of a sexy Lez-off. Kutos to you

London Olympics Update: Tickets still onsale for Table Tennis

Review #1 Hunger Games
Starring: Kids and Woody Harrelson
What Happens: You heard it here first, Hunger Games will be bigger than Harry Potter and a box full of vampires combined!! It tells the story of a girl who is good at archery and she has to go to the Olympics because she is so good. It's set around the time just before Robin Hood made it big in the archery world. Anyway because it is the Ancient Olympics archery is basically murdering people. But they don't put archers against archers, they put them against kids that are good at throwing rocks, and also children with the healing power of laughter. It all comes together after a whole movie of training videos to show a battle to the death. The winner gets to eat a roast dinner. Thus Hunger Games. Also the best part is that they are all children, so they are still limber and can run really fast.
What we think: If we could go to Hogwarts we would, If we could be as pasty as that kid from Twilight, well we wouldn't be, but according to E! News he goes alright with the babes, so in the end we would be vampires. Would we want to kill people for a roast dinner? Arrrrgghhh, where do we sign up? Unfortunately age restrictions might put a stopper on our plans
Score: 16 Bullseye's out of A Box Full of Vampires

Pie

Here's Just one more reason why we are better than you

Are those Lancashire Pigs?

Once again we write through the eyes of sobriety, and as per our usual clauses and sub-clauses, our brilliant style of creative writing cannot be condemned for this reason. But we are getting quite good at most things, including life, so we are sure that the next portion of dribble will satisfy your need to want to stop reading and then forget you ever heard of anything called a Batcave. We are going back to our grass roots and just reviewing somethings for you, which we know you enjoy, especially you guys at Single Crowd.

Review #1 Hayden Orpheum
Where: Cremorne
What is it: It is, in essence, a Cinema. But it totals as an experience.
What Happened: The Hayden Orpheum is basically a cinema. It is also a time warp. Once you walk through the doors you step back in time to when you could go see a film, also get a newsreel, slurp down a delicious creaming soda and then have a box of Popcorn. In the 30's this would have cost a nickel. Today its costs an effing bomb!! But don't let that discourage you, because you aren't even in the cinema yet. Once you take out your mortgage at 9%, you go to this narrow room with a quaint little screen and an array of posh people with things to say like "We'll find that on the web". Plus they bring they're own rugs to the cinema to sit under in case they get cold, the poor dears. The Hayden Orpheum has an open rug policy. It can be found on their website, maybe. The next exciting adventure that you take part in is the ads. Usually at your run of the mill Hoyts or Readings you'll get half an hour of dribble about some guys car yard and then you get the previews, usually some exciting movie that you may want to watch in the future. If you're at the Orpheum, forget it! We now know when the Opera is on for the next year and a half, the exciting future of French Cinema through our now intimate knowledge of a month long French Film Festival and that the Crows Nest pharmacy is open til 10pm 365 days a year. The movie was quite alright. After two hours of being confused about a plot that was awash with mystery and dry English acting, we left. Having survived the artsy fartsy community and there rug wearing ways. A special note goes out to those super posh people who stayed to read the credits, loving that there favourite gaffer and best boy was involved in the movie.
Score: Ummmmm 6 Cinemas out of 18 french films. It was alright but it was heaps expenno and I can't handle people who don't call it the internet.

Review #2 Playing 2 Games of Touch in one Night

Kill. Us. Now. If the bathtub at the cave was big enough to house anything bigger than a new born baby, it would be filled with ice and then ice baths would commence. The problem with running is that once you stop, you get sore. And then all your muscles hurt, and then you go to town on a whole tube of dancorub. Plus now we have to stay up til the wee hours to digest our food because we ate too late. First world problems. But problems none-the-less.

Good Night Party Criminals, also go see Project X and get amped for parties, there might be another Batcave Party coming soon, so keep an eye out for that one, along with the childrens book, about ducks and Nazis, and possibly Sharks.

Proudly Sponsored by Joseph Kony

This dude is a Total Gronk

We don't do this often, or at all really, but here's a community service announcement. The guy above, who looks like he could have been out of the cult classic Cool Runnings, steals kids. Not baby goats, little Humans. And as such we are jumping on the Kony 2012 Bandwagon. Obviously by sponsoring this blog, Kony has made at least one correct decision in his life. 

As an added bonus to the seriousness, here's some more serious stuff.

Review: Bat Cave Launch Party 03/02/2012 

Where: The residence formerly known as "The Bat Cave"

What happened: Well, the dreary night outside meant that the partay had to be confined to the insides of the cave. We cooked our guests a delicious meal of sausages and salad, which they asked for more of. Some of our guests, we won't name names, took it upon themselves to create a creek in our kitchen which was mainly made up of Martini and mud, whilst others just sat around drinking Lemsip (Lemsip city slickers). The bath tub was filled with ice, which costed a freaking bomb, we should have just filled the washing machine, and then the Captain Morgans/ Sailor Jerry came out and that was the beginning of the end. Well the end of a civilized quiet drinks with friends anyway. There was smashed glasses, mud trekked through the place, a smell of liquor and an inability to do up ones shoelaces. All roads lead to the Crowie, but unfortunately for one of us, the Crowie was just one step too far as an immediate denial of entry took place, and not even a bribe of $2.25 could fix that.

Score: As far as parties go, it was OK. Just quiet drinks with friends. Nothing of value was broken, only our spirits. The mess was certified A-Grade, as the place looked like there had been some sort of wild animal sacrifice ritual. Most of the party criminals we invited showed up, I say most, some had to go to weddings....apparently to watch a Rootfest go down when they were supposed to just kiss. I don't really know Jesus, but if that went down in our house, we would not be happy campers!! Or would we........There were no celebrities so we get minus 1 point for that, and there were no strippers so minus 1 billion points for that, but we heard someone laugh at one stage, so we'll take that as we are hilarious and excellent party hosts and give ourselves 1 billion and 1 point. So the final Score is 1 Batcave Launch Party out of It's Never Happening Again.

And that concludes another outstanding edition of our fine writings. Once again, a reminder to stay tuned for our children's book about ducks. It'll be great.