Rock of Ages Review

Review: Rock of Ages
Starring: Tom Cruise, Russell Brand, Alec Baldwin, C. Zeta-Jones, other people who sing and dance
What Happens: Like your "Glee" and your "High School Musical" this movie focus' on how to annoy audiences by continuously stopping to sing and dance instead of developing story lines through the use of monotonic dialogue. Tom Cruise plays the greatest music guy on the planet, and is therefore spending half his time doing drugs on top of women, and the other half doing women on top of musical instruments. Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin are couple of promoters who want Tom to play at the club(which has previously hosted the Wiggles and the Shakespearean play "Othello" where the entire cast were a herd of goats). Zeta-Jones plays a typical woman with menopause and a bad attitude, always nagging and banging on about something, who wants Tom to avoid her hometown because of her aforementioned menopause. She also co-wrote "The Female Eunuch" with Germaine "cranky Pants" Greer. In the end everyone gets together for karaoke and a few wines.
What we think: There is no hope of us watching this. Singing ruined the Lion King, and singing has ruined this movie. There are a couple of hot groupie babes to distract us for at least 9 seconds, but that's about it. Karaoke lovers will be enthused by the sing-a-longs involved.
Score: A washed up lead guitarist out of a washed up 80's Glam Rock band.

Obviously, that was a pretty negative review, but if you'd ingested as much Ibuprofen and Panadol today, your outlook on life would hardly be amazing either.

Also, Winter is upon us, which does not improve the overall depression. Winter was invented by the Roman Emporer, Nero. He thought it was a great idea until he got a bit chilly and couldn't find his coat. That's the real story why he burnt down Rome, because he was cold. Before he invented the season of Winter, there was no such thing as snow or ice, which made life a living hell on a hot day when all a tired slave wanted was an icy cold glass of coke. Instead they had to drink hot mud.