The main problem with Winter is that it is nothing short of the worst thing ever. Fortunately we have formulated a plan in order to combat the winter chill and because we are just stand-up guys, we will share our knowledge bombs with you now.
1. Stay inside. We will assume that most of you reading have a roof over your heads (even though those beggars in the city seem to be doing quite well for themselves, although we are yet to see them carrying around I-Pads) and therefore this step is applicable to you. No matter what, stay inside! Do not go to work, we cannot emphasize this enough. Winter will take it's icy grip on you if you even dare to exit the walls holding up that roof we mentioned previously.
2. Wear a scarf. Heaven forbid you have not heeded our warning and have decided to enter the wintery world. But if you have, don't go looking for an oven to stick your head into, just go buy a scarf, and then wear it. This fashionable accessory is worn by many people, including Victoria's Secret Models and Noble Businessman, so therefore it is unisex and we condone it. Unisex things we don't condone are the leotard and plaits.
3. Don't go West. West = more cold than you already are. West is the devil. If you live on the East Coast your best bet is to hire some kind of sea vessel and head for the North. Continuing East at this latitude will only mean you stay the same deathly temperature, because unfortunately everything is west somewhere.
4. Here is a list of places we especially don't recommend:
- Blacktown: Unfortunately some of us have to work at this Winterish hell hole. In the rain. No, that isn't tears running down our faces from being in Blacktown, that's torrential rain running down our faces from being in Blacktown.
- The Blue Mountains: This should be common sense. It snows up there, but don't take your snowboard because there are no slopes, there is just sleet and runny noses.
- Harris Park: It's just shit
5. Don't pay the Carbon Tax: isn't it supposed to be getting warmer, which means nicer winters?? The people making these rules and taxes obviously don't have beach bodies, and they probably have braces. Stop the boats too, they have something to do with it.
And there you have it, a full proof plan on how to survive Winter. Don't thank us all at once, but we will take gifts and charitable donations in order to kill all the mould in the garage. If mould was worth money, or we were the conveyors of fine cheese, we would be millionaires.
No comments:
Post a Comment