T for Tom

We've seen some stupid things in our day, but this is one of the stupidest

On a positive note, we know this guy and he has definitely improved his knowledge of the fundamental aspects of Wheel of Fortune and is now on his way to trying to get on the Millionaire Hot Seat. We don't expect too much.

Woolworths: The Fresh Food People

Generally speaking, we all go to the supermarket to buy our fruit and vegetables as we are less likely to have grown them ourselves. It's funny to think that we laugh at the Amish for having the ability to construct barns in mere seconds and to grow and then harvest their own food, but then remember if it got to a point where we had to become self sufficient we would all just die or eat a shit tonne of canned beets. So because we wouldn't know when to plant a tomato plant, let alone know what to do with it, it's the supermarket for everyone!! In Australia there are two main competitors who basically control the majority of the supermarket patronage, these being Coles and Woolworths. Due to our detrimental laziness, we shop at the local Woolworths at Crows Nest because it is literally 100m away from the illustrious Batcave. The only other choices we have are some hippy show down the road that sells turnips with dirt still on them, Franklins, which everyone knows is like shopping in a 3rd World Country or Thomas Dux, which is totally the fanciest place on Earth (the staff wear aprons). And here starts our massive rant which will be carried out in point form because, well, we love bullet points.

• Woolworths at Crows Nest, as with every other Woolworths in the country, claim to be the "Fresh Food People". The problem with saying ridiculous things like that, is that everyone believes it. The only thing that's fresh in the fruit and vegie section is the mould growing on the tomatoes. If we wanted to see mould, we'd go hang out in our garage more often. Unfortunately we have not garnered photographic evidence of the mould, but the beauty of Crows Nest Woolies is that we can go there anytime and see it. Hooray!!!
• Thomas Dux is a shop for fancy rich people. Thomas Dux is around the corner from Woolworths. Thomas Dux has a better selection of Fruit and Vegetables. Thomas Dux is more expensive than Woolworths. Thomas Dux is Owned by Woolworths. See the problem?
• Aesthetically speaking, if you ever want to feel like your growing up in the early 90's again, take a trip to Crows Nest Woolworths. This time machine will even have the logo used many many years ago, so you feel like you can home and play with your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and have a hot milo. We are surpirsed they have heard of EFTPOS

That's basically the three main First World Problems that we have. At the moment! We understand that we could shop somewhere else, but then we'd have to drive, which means we are killing the environment. So we are saving the environment by eating mould. Good on us. We are so socially responsible (remember when we tried to find Kony? Classic Us)

Anyway to finish off, a shout out to  good friend of Le Batcave, City Lemsipper. Unfortunately he has blown out an ACL playing AFL, or destroying someone elses kitchen, it could be either. Get Well Soon

Chicks......

Chicks are sweet. For the most part anyway. They are sweet up until the point they start disgracing themselves with grand ideas of being able to drink copious amounts of alcohol and not be affected by it. The tales we are about to tell are true, the names have been changed to protect their privacy from the millions of prying eyes reading this update. Keep in mind that we allow these cheekas to be our friends, but with the events of last night/this morning, they are skating on some seriously thin ice, like we mean wafer thin ice. Anyway, please continue reading and have a lovely day.

Episode One: The Saturday Night

Generally we encourage having a few sneaky beverages to relax the body and mind. There is a clear cut difference between being relaxed and being so "relaxed" that you can't stand up or talk properly. There were three phases to Cheeka #1's fall from grace. Phase 1 started at approximately 6pm with Vodka Cranberries. Phase 2 started at 10pm, and it was the beginning of the end. In between Phase 1 and 2 the key ingredient to the demise was Vodka, friend to the Russians, enemy to the cheeka. By the time Phase 2 rolled around the ability to co-ordinate simple walking, which had been learned as a 2 year old (Or however old children start walking), had been replaced by more of a crab-walk/falling walk and a rather poor attitude towards anyone visible. Phase 2 ended with being denied entry into one of our favourite local haunts, The Argyle. Commence Phase 3 aka the Apocalypse. Phase 3 will be summarised in point form.

1. Get Cheeka into taxi. Harder than you think when said Cheeka has lost co-ordination skills. Convince taxi driver that she'll be fine and to take us back to Le Batcave in record time.
2. Good news, we made it to Le Batcave. Bad News, we parked 50m from the entrance to the cave so therefore it has to take half an hour to get there. The main time constraint was stopping to walk up gutters (5mins per gutter) and stopping to have sneaky spews in hair and on ground (20mins)
3. Le Batcave entered. Get girly a drink of water to help the sobering process, this is met with general disgust and filthy looks. Put cheeka in bed, get beer from fridge and sit down for a quiet night of documentary viewing.
4. 5mins later. cheeka is out of bed and now spewing, in the dark, in the sink. After turning on the light so she could at least see where she was spewing, a considerate "Are you alright?" was met with a "Do I look alright?" then accusations that lovable Batcaver didn't care anyway before proceeding to throw lovable batcavers toothbrush into spew. (Definite Highlight)
5. Put cheeka back to bed. After watching great documentary decide to clamber into bed, for some reason, with the spew machine only to be told in no uncertain terms that she had now claimed the bed as her own and lovable batcaver should move on. 
6. After several hours of sleeping on the ground, lovable batcaver is awoken by the pitter patter of feet. Cheeka was back out of bed and inquiring why batcaver was on the floor and he should come back to bed. 
7. Wake up in morning to find spew on the floor next to the bed, and in the bed. Good times.

And that ended Phase 3. What an exciting night. But guess what? because we are great gentleman, the other part of the dynamic duo had his own stories about a lovely cheeka who lost her mind (It wasn't even a full moon)

Episode 2: Sunday Morning

Fortunately for the second half of the Batcave, Phase 2 didn't end in denied access to the Argyle, and Phase 1 was also completed at the same time as the first cheeka, at the same place, so it is quite a social query as to how one of them ended up shit-bombed earlier than the other one. Maybe we should do a study on that? But we probably shouldn't. Anyway, all phases were put on hold until the Sunday morning, when all those vodka cranberries and the human bodies general disgust with the the over consumption of alcohol reached boiling point. Basically there is only one story in the this episode:

1. After making it out of bed to have some breakfast, the two lovers went down to the breakfast buffet to eat some scrumptious food. This was fine. The part that is worth mentioning happened after 9 floors of vertical travel and a 12 metre walk, the lady wasn't feeling too well. Immediately. So after doing the old hand over the mouth, tilt head back manoeuvre, luckily there was a hotel cleaners wheelie bin nearby that had some clean towels. And that very towel remained clean for another 2 seconds. From there it was a quick dash to the hotel bathroom and once again, apocalyptic conditions.

So, that was our weekend, what great times we have. Luckily for these women, we enjoy their company because they are both nice and beautiful, but that can only get you so far. we aren't nurses, and we don't enjoy cleaning up things that come from places not outside the human body.

Going to Summer Bay High, and not Lithgow

Home and Away is a television show on the Seven Network, and has been around for at least 70 years. It was around before the invention of television as a travelling musical that played to small theatres all across Sydney. Even though it has been on for that long, we have never watched a full episode.......until last night. Due to the township of Lithgow being an absolute dick hole, we were unable to find feasible entertainment, especially in the good looking women department. On a side note, if anyone knows why Lithgow is such a depressing hole, please inform us as Karaoke was dead!!!! Luckily we know how to sing Kissed by a Rose fairly well and were able to entertain the townsfolk that were present, which we named Chubbs, Tat Rat, and Toothless George. But we digress, back to Home and Away. The only thing that we can say is that we wished we went to Summer Bay High (if that's even what it's called) during our schooling as there was not a single unattractive school girl there (we say this in the most innocent, non-pedo way possible). Also, the guy who was getting all the babes looked like a total gimp with a stupid fringe, and not a cool hipster fringe, one of those fringes that Norman Bates wore. Instead of reviewing a movie this post, we will summarise this one single episode of Home and Away which we watched on mute, just to make things clearer for us.

Home&Away: Season 67 Episode 9: Trying to Pick up Babes without a Surfboard
Summary: There were two smoking hot babes at some sort of kiosk having a cup of coffee, presumably talking about where the rips are located on the beach, or how much they enjoy talking to surfers. That went on for a bit. Then there was these other two chicks, who were obviously supposed to be sitting their HSC, but were off trying to help this fringe monkey try to pick up this other girl who was also at the kiosk. We think that the two hotties with fringy were trying to make the other one jealous, that's what we would have done if we were local youngsters at the kiosk. Fringy is obviously a bit shy (which will get babes anyway) and when he talks to the girl that isn't the other two girls, she walks off to do some schoolwork. Fringy looks sad. Cut scene.
In another part of Summer Bay, at a swing set there is this short kid and this other EMO girl who wears mittens in summer. They are both swinging talking about their sex lives, which, Thank the Lord, are non-existent because they are literally 12 years old!! This goes on for a while until they make out all awkwardly because it is their first time and they don't know what they're doing. Cut Scene.
Back to Fringy who is now standing in a garden talking to this other person (who could be either male or female, we don't remember) and then he starts taking off his clothes. Medically, we think he has had a nervous breakdown. Realistically, he just didn't get the babe he was after and was just really sad, so took all his clothes off. Mind you, he has somehow convinced all these chicks to hang out with him, and like him, so we have no idea why he is standing nude in a garden by the ocean, and not standing outside their windows, nude. Cut Scene

What we thought: The first thing we noticed about this particular episode of Home and Away, was the absence of old racism enthusiast Alf Stewart.  We assume he was in his rape dungeon, prepping. Find Out More Here. Honestly, who cares, we won't be watching anymore because it makes us sad that Fringe Monsters with mental issues get to hang out with smoking hot babes. We can do it in real life, in Le Bat Cave.

So now you're updated on that. And just to add on, we do not advocate for any reason travelling to Lithgow. Even though we made good friends with the Pub Owner, there were zero babes!!! Apparently Chelsea left to go to Newcastle and she was the last of the Mohicans as it were.

The Avengers, Battleship: Reviewed

In order to streamline our reviewing process, rather than giving a score or whatever we have been doing, from now on a movie's likability will be based on either two feelings. We will be either frothing, or spewing. Obviously if we like it, we will be frothing and if we don't, spewing. If we have no feelings one way or the other than we will just say something extraordinary. David and Margaret will be turning in their graves....when they die. So without further delay, here are out latest round of reviews  


Avengers
Starring: Iron Man, ScarJo, Thor, The Hulk, Captain America, Samuel L
What Happens: Unfortunately for Planet Earth, they are under attack from some kind of pissed off Alien race, (According to Hollywood, we piss off A LOT of alien races and we get invaded more often than a Mexican jumps the border) so it is up to this bunch of lovable misfits to save the human race. Which in all honestly should not be that difficult considering they have Thor, the Norse God of Thunder. He is super buff and has general swagger. This means that he does most of the work and everyone else tries to bust sweet moves on ScarJo who is looking totally babe-alicious in her super tight leather get-up. In fact, that's why the aliens have invaded, to try and bust moves on ScarJo, but unfortunately for all alien races in every movie ever, they are ugly and have rubbish personalities. Even their mothers don't love them. In the end, of course, because we aren't dead, the Avengers avenge and ScarJo goes out on a date Samuel L because he's the boss.
What we think: This seems like a watchable movie, brains will be turned off and popcorn devoured. ScarJo is hot as, so on that basis alone we are FROTHING

Battleship
Starring: John Carter of Mars, Liam Neeson, Rhianna, A couple of Tugboats
What Happens: Whilst traversing the ocean, a giant cruise ship filled Naval Soldiers on there day off literally runs over a body in the water. Accusing each other of murder, this mystery/thriller shows the investigation of every single person on the cruise ship at the time of the "incident". What follows is a teenage sex romp involving once again, pissed off aliens. This time these aliens have big ships which they have parked on the bottom of the ocean, which in our opinion would be the best place to hide, ever. The biggest dilemma the sex fueled teens have confronting them is what kind of bullets they are going to use to shoot the hapless aliens. The aliens are generally disgruntled throughout and this shows when they throw their alien shredding machines into Seattle, home of the Sonics. We don't really know what the stars of the movie are doing, but they constantly look bewildered and look like they've been playing in the mud eating worms.
What we think: This is transformers without Megatron. It's a mixture between Waterworld, Transformers, Downton Abbey, Fast and the Furious and Survivor. It is also a good opportunity not to think about the GFC and they price of renting in Sydney. Also, as an added bonus, Rhianna is a sexy naval officer who is out for a good time, she's sexy. This makes us happy.  We are FROTHING.

And that's about it, we still are none the wiser of who One Direction are apart from the fact that they come from Great Britain and they aren't Take That.

One Direction and a story about Nazis

We don't understand teenage girls. We didn't understand them when we were teenage boys, and we don't understand them now we are fully grown alpha males. The latest episode in our overall bemusement of the way teenage girls go on about things is One Direction. Let's sort this out using bullet points

• One Direction are some sort of band that made teenage girls cry. One girl said, "I can't help crying because they are so handsome". She is a Certified Idiot. We don't really know why she was crying, over even who these One Direction guys are, so just picture the looks on our faces right now
• These band members got together because individually they sucked the proverbial fat one, but as a merry gang they can make the Cheekas as wet as damp sponges. The only problem with this is that most of these teenage girls lining up in the cold, dead set frothing, are in fact not street legal. They are not any kind of legal. So One Direction, whilst on the outside seem to have secured a life time of trim in about 9 minutes, have in fact scored none, unless they are deviates, which we are not implying.
• WHO THE FUCK ARE ONE DIRECTION?????? Whilst we regularly tune into the news to catch up on the latest war atrocities and check out the economy, this one totally slipped under our radar. Just like Beiber did. We still don't know what Beiber sings. If Beiber and One Direction get together for a Christmas Album we will be totally confused. 

So, Thats our A Current Affair moment on that one. Next we'll be talking about shonky builders feeding the poor bread crumbs!!

In an unrelated topic, we wrote a Childrens book. Currently we are in negotiations to get this published. It's rhyming scheme is revolutionary and we think that children all around the world will learn some valuable life lessons when they read it. We heard the next Dr Suess being bounced around the publishers office.....So look forward to the future.

Whilst many of you sleep tonight,
hopefully all of you will not awake with a fright,
as even though your dreams aren't true
some of them will make you blue
A story for you is now what I'll tell
Involving a duck, some Nazis and a spell
Our story will start with a skip, a jump and a few lines of rhyme
but that is all over, and all in good time
Gareth Von Duck vs The Nazis
Once upon a time in the south of Germany lived a cute little duck and his "Oh So Cute" little family. They lived
in a pond that was void of contempt, all of their duck friends were friends with their freinds. But trouble was
afoot, and it was not of their doing, and in no time at all they were all spewing. The Nazis had come and occupied their
pond with out even asking, so it was up to Gareth to get the ball rolling.
On a warm summers eve, when the Nazis all partied Gareth snuck up and he started quacking,
With a flap, a punch and a kick to the nads, the General was down as were the rest of the lads. The Germans ran off,
with their tails between their legs, Gareth Duck had taken revenge. But that was not the end of Gareths little story,
as what happened next is written in History. Gareth grabbed an eye of newt, a puppy dogs tail, a bowl full of ice cream
and a glass of Pale Ale. He combined them all into a rich lather than said the magic words with out so much as a
stutter
"Be Gone, Be Gone, You Stupid Nazis, Higgle-di-di, Vom Vom Bazoo"
And at that very second, when he'd finished his spell, the Nazis all turned to each other and let out a yell!
The spell that was performed was to turn the Nazis into Snails! So as they all transformed around the pond, Gareth,
his family and friends started to smile. They flew around picking up Nazis with glee as now the tables had turned
and the ducks had gone on a killing spree.
So what was the point of this delightful child's tale? And why am I still ryhming, its making me go pale. The point children
is to always respect what isn't yours, you can always share but never steal. Especially from a duck who hates Nazis.

Jesus wasn't a Magician

At the end of this Easter Long Weekend we thought it would be a reasonable time to reflect on the past 4 days, and judge whether or not it was worth not going to work for The Man.

Easter Thursday Night

These days, any chance we get to destroy our liver and brain cells we oblige, and this Easter Thursday Night was no different. After finishing work for our respective Slave Masters we headed into the darkness of Potts Point. We expected to be greeted with friendliness, instead we were greeted by rudeness. Generally speaking, we are pretty tolerable of fat-assed chickas with poor attitudes, but this time it was different. All we will say is we hope she didnt realise we put all her possessions in her bar fridge. After we had the pleasure of hanging out with Wombo, we got back to where we feel the most at home, and everyone is nice, The Crowie!!

Good Friday

More like Worst Hangover Ever Friday. We were supposed to wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed and venture back to the Holy Land (Maitland, not Jerusalem) for an Easter Getaway. Not much happened this day besides naps and sleeps.

Easter Saturday

By now Jesus had been put into his Man Cave, and we were out Boating and Beaching. This led into an evening of quiet drinks with friends and early morning Kebabs. Other stuff probably happened as well, but we were back in Newcastle, so it was mostly just trying to drink as much as we could so we would forget we were in Newcastle. 

Easter Sunday

As a mark of respect to Jesus, Mary, Pontius Pilot (Cool Name/Shit Dude) and that Donkey in the Palm Sunday story, we laid around and did nothing. This was refreshing as our poor Livers were in Lockdown from Easter Thursday Night.

Easter Monday

Nothing has happened. Tomorrow is back to the grindstone. Jesus has left the building. We got out of Maitland Alive. We didn't pick up any babes. But we are now back to LeBatcave where we can once again enjoy our lives in peace.

Also, add us on Twitter for no other reason than we are glory hunters who want 1,000,000 followers. Tell anyone you know with the internet. LeBatcave 2013!! We don't really know of any Kony-type Warlords because we are apart of the misinformed majority, but if you read our blog and spread the world all your wildest dreams will come true.  

 

 

Dating Advice

Recently we installed a super secretive email address where our devoted fans could write to us without being scrutinised by the public for actually reading this tripe. And we have had some glowing feedback about how good we really are. Unfortunately, there has also been some questions, like life questions. Someone, we'll call him "ScrillexFan22", has got it through their head that we are some kind of Google-esque "What Women Want" Search Engine. Luckily for him, we know everything about women.....................There were a number of questions posted, so we will run through them one-by-one. We did actually do this along time ago, back in our glory days of October 2011, but allegedly this "ScrillexFan22" isn't a true follower and hasn't read every single post that we have posted. Prepare for some wisdom here, and ladies, you can thank us later for all the lovely things that may come from this.

1. I'm really shy, and want to ask the smoking hot babe across the room out for dinner, I've never spoken to her but she seems nice. What should I do? - ScrillexFan22

Well, let's not beat around the bush, chicks totally dig shy guys. According to TV shows, women go to Gay Bars constantly to avoid being hit on by super confident and good looking dudes, whilst at the same time being told how good those shoes look and "I wish I had that dress". So keep being shy. The next step is to become Facebook friends with her, you should do your research first however and make sure that you both like EXACTLY the same things. For example, if she loves pony's, you are the worlds biggest fan of pony's. Once you have befriended her and charmed her beyond belief, as your Facebook alter ego is a totally smooth operator, then it's time to cook her dinner and bring it to her desk around 3pm. It will show that you can cook, and you are worried she is not eating a proper meal. And from here you can both get married.

2. I've been dating this girl for the last week, but she hasn't returned my phone calls or texts from our first date one week ago, is there something wrong? - ScrillexFan22

Absolutely not, you should keep ringing until she answers. She probably just forgot to answer her phone and reply to her texts because she had to brush her hair or something. be persistent, go to her house if need be and leave a freshly baked pie on her doorstep. She will love it and you will be going for date two almost immediately.

3. My new Girlfriend has taken out an AVO against me, but she only walked into a door. How can I get around this situation so I can smell her hair again? - ScrillexFan22

We aren't lawyers but it seems to us that she is just clumsy. Maybe cheer her up by baking a pie and putting it on her doorstep. if all else fails hire an orchestra to play love ballads to her while you serenade her with your beautiful voice (If you don't have a beautiful voice, just play her some songs by Seal).

4. Where should I bury a body? - ScrillexFan22

We don't know what this has to do with dating, but we assume that you have had a beloved pet die recently, possibly some kind of bird, and need to hold a ceremony. The best place would be in your backyard under an old tree. Its very pleasant and it means you can be with them all the time. Another alternative is to put the body on some sort of floating object, a Nordic boat carved out of a big oak tree will suffice, cover it in straw, twigs and some petrol, then fire arrows at it which have been lit on fire. It would be better to have the boat in the water before the fire starts.

5. Do you know any good lawyers? - ScrillexFan22

No

So there you have it, another crisis averted by us here at LeBatcave. You can now catch us on twitter, even though all we do is stalk celebrities to find out if they are in our area at any given time. Thanks for reading, keep those questions rolling in and we will endeavour to answer them all.