Welcome back. Tonight's episode will be brought to you by total and utter soberness. And let me tell you, it is tough. It has taken us 34mins to come up with what we have so far. No wonder Hemmingway was a total drunk, and alleged sex pest. How the heck J.K Rowling wrote an entire series of autobiographies while not drinking at least 1Litre of Captain Morgans Spiced Rum every morning for breakfast is beyond us. And J.R.R Tolkien!!!!! That guy had to travel back in time and then remember what he saw, and then try and make it half interesting. But we will try and gather our thoughts and continue on with more of what you come to expect, a waste of perfectly good internet space for Porn.
Lesson 1: How Chimps make the best Wing Men
Chimps are basically lazy cavemen that refused to evolve. Whilst they have the knowledge and know how to make a timber hut in the rain forest, they lack the knowledge to count to six. But they have one grace, they are the Ultimate Wingmen. Because they are lazy and eat snails, they are mistaken as French, which lures the ladies in from miles away. When they realise it is a chimp, and not some tour guide from the Arc De Triumphe, they then have no other alternative but to ask you where you have acquired this cute little thing, and thats when you bombard them with sweet lies until you are back at your Home Turf with some Marvin Gaye in the background, and of course, the chimp on the video camera. Another bonus is that Chimps aren't fussy and will consume Banana Smoothies for every meal.
Lesson 2: Never trust anyone with a bumbag
If you have ever met any one wearing a bumbag, you will know there is just something quite not right with them. First of all, is it a fashion statement? Is there anything in the bumbag? We used to have bumbags, to carry marbles, when we were 7, maybe all these bumbaggers are in the ultimate marble tournament? Maybe thats where they keep there I.D. Or maybe thats where they keep all the hair they collect off the ground. Whatever the reason, use the stranger danger principle, and only take candy if its still in it's original packaging!
So what should you be on the lookout for? Well the typical bumbagger resembles your garden variety chav or Stereotypical Eastern European thug, wearing their trackie dacks and MC Hammer hair do, even though they are albinos and its often quite hot. They all have one lazy eye, a big gold chain and a menacing attitude. If you see any one matching this description run. Like super fast.
Lesson 3: Tricking Women into marrying you
Recently we had the opportunity to fool one of our unsuspecting friends into becoming engaged to someone who resembles Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory, in both looks and general personality traits. We should really write a book on this topic, but that would take too long and I don't think you can have a book with only one page. Anyway this is how it went down:
The Babe was informed, using various technological techniques, that she was coming to the Batcave for a bbq. She thought it was going to be a dude ranch, all the more enticing for a lady. She was then driven down to the general Batcave area where she was then informed by her lover that she wouldnt be made to stay in the confines of the illustrious Batcave with its magnificent Ottomon, but rather a quaint little hell hole up the road. When they drove past this she was then informed that hell holes were so 1990, and therefore she was going somewhere nice. She still hadnt realised that she wasn't coming to Batcave (every babes dream). Long story short: Using various magic tricks and misdirection she was proposed to and then accepted this charitable offer.
So how did we help? Well basically lying like it was going out of fashion. So the following is a list of our lies, actually lets call them tricks:
- BBQ. We don't own one. George Foreman grills our meat.
- Dude Ranch. As if.
- Starts at 7. We werent even home.
- Invite friends that she could facestalk.
- That our lamps are semi-functioning. We actually have a lamp cemetary, where lamps go to die.
So in the end, love conquers stuff. But don't worry chicks, these Batcavers won't be getting married anytime soon, so just calm yourselves down.
I think that's pretty much enough information that can, and will, be provided at this stage of our lives.
From this disgustingly disturbing creature, have a good time doing things
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