Confusing News

Australia was found by convicts in 1788 when their cruise ship happened upon the East Coast whilst on their "Trip of a Lifetime" to Antartica. (Antarctica was was found by Emporer Penguins ten years earlier). And yesterday this fact was celebrated around the country over a few quiet beers with friends and a good listening of the Hottest 100. But little did we know, trouble was afoot! In the midst of all the celebrating and tomfoolery there was an attack on our "beloved" "leader". Julia "If I were an animal, i'd be a goose cos I look like one" Gillard.

Like in any movie, the bad guys are obvious, and in this case it was the dwellers of a city made out of paper. They even have a Tent as an embassy, until a strong breeze comes up. Then they have a Sleeping Bag Embassy.

Anyway, the only real story is the story of the security guard who was in charge of protecting Julia. He has been flashed across the news like he's cured cancer and beat up Hitler. The media is also reporting that his identity if confidential. I'm fairly sure, that in fact, this Kevin Costner bodyguard, has had his cover blown by every news outlet in the country. (Obviously we are Patriotic and won't divulge such information). But the crucial piece of information in this entire episode was the terms of his employment:
1. He has to take a bullet for the PM
2. He gets a car with a petrol card
3. He gets Christmas Day and Easter off.

Now, without taking away from Costner's absolute love of this country, the media are banging on about him taking a bullet as him being the equivalent of a Superhero. His job description is basically, if they're shooting stand in front of the PM as a human shield. And this got us thinking, is he the only employee with this sub-clause, or are there others, and more importantly if our job descriptions meant jumping in front of bullets fired at Julia would we actually do it? After all we would be paid to be shot.

Occupation: Surveyor
Mission: The Prime Ministers Surveyor is in charge of making sure her boundaries don't shift, making sure that her back patio is level and co-ordinating the exact whereabouts of her Hairdresser Boyfriend at all times.
The Situation: Whilst Making sure the road that the PM is driving on in Irag is flat, the vehicle is attacked by insurgents. There is a lot of gunfire, the butler and the gardener are down and the flatness of the road has played right into the insurgents hands as they don't have proper suspension in their vehicles. At this point, the Surveyor is the last man standing, the insurgents have one bullet left and they have their sights on Old Mother Goose.
What to do: Obviously, being paid to take a bullet doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to happen. Nobody wants to be shot. So the crafty surveyor would use the laser pointer from his Jigger to blind the Insurgent. Factors such as the Insurgent staring into the laser for 45minutes would have to be taken into consideration, but for all intents and purposes the Insurgent is blinded, the PM is driven to safety by the Surveyor, who has a current drivers license, and all is well in the world.
What do you  get: FIRED!!!! Not following protocol.

Occupation: Mars Bar Guy
Mission: The Prime Mister is a massive fan of chocolate (judging by her girth) and the job of Mars Bar guy is to have a Mars bar in each hand of the PM at all times (barring press conferences and meetings at the Tent Embassy)
The Situation: On the ground in Southern USA, hillbillies have noticed that the PM has two Mars Bars, and they want them. They start shooting their alligator rifles at the the jetty where the PM is aboard feeding Alligators. The Gardiner and Butler are down!!! again!!!! The lack of teeth from the hillbillies is all to do with the amount of Mars Bars they eat, and they want more!!! It's a crisis. They are swarming, and the only person left to take a bullet is Mars Bar Guy.
What to do: Mars Bar Guy has the perfect weapon: an Abundance of Mars Bars. He starts hurling them at the hillbillies, who are so excited by the sight of chocolate hurtling towards them that they give up trying to shoot Julia. Mars Bar Guy gets Julia into the car and they drive off. On a bumpy road cos' the Surveyor got the arse.
What do you get: FIRED!!!! Julia didn't have two Mars bars in her hands, and in all the commotion Mars Bar Guy threw them all away. Plus he didn't take a bullet. Shame, Shame, Shame.